January 2012 Archives

So, what did we make of the National Television Awards, then?

Generally, I reckon the best people won. Though some of the voting is beginning to get as mad as on Eurovision - there's no way Celebrity Juice is better than any of the other panel shows it was up against, but there you go. That's what happens when you let the general public vote.

Here are a few of my own awards for the ceremony.

Most Cringemaking Moment Anything to do with Bruce - sorry, Sir Bruce, as he's forever telling us - Forsyth.

Letting him sing and dance was bad enough. Getting him to do it twice was unforgiveable.

But, even worse, was his awful introduction to Jonathan Ross's award, which started with him moaning about Strictly Come Dancing losing out to X Factor.

He complained that he couldn't understand why Strictly would be in the Talent Show category. Mmn, maybe because the contestants learn a talent, which they are then judged upon and viewers vote for them, just like every other talent show?

Most Predictable Moment Ant and Dec winning Entertainment Presenters for the 11th year running. But they deserved it and still managed to come across as humble and appreciative.

Most Tearjerking Moment The touching montage accompanying the Military Wives' singing.

The ITV Rewards Its Own Moments When ITV's NTAs gave out 'special' gongs to David Walliams (who has just joined ITV1's Britain's Got Talent), Gary Barlow (who joined ITV1's X Factor as a judge) and Jonathan Ross (who moved his chat show from the BBC to ITV1). This might, of course, be purely coincidence.

Quickest Dash to the Stage The two delighted lads from Outnumbered.

Most Awkward Stage Moment Bossy Fatima Whitbread - who is clearly still dining out on her 'i had a cockroach up my nose' story - taking over the I'm A Celebrity win and holding the show up to insist that Crissy Rock (who we'd all forgotten was in the jungle) get up on stage too.

Scrubs Up Best Downton Abbey's dowdy kitchen maid Daisy was transformed when excited actress Sophie McShera took to the stage. Bless.

Might Have Made More Of An Effort Dougie Poynter, still wearing a stupid bandana.

Most Bored Looking Nick Hewer.

Most Blatant Commercial Plug For the new Muppets movie.

Comedy Moment of the Night Dragon Hilary Devey's amazing dress.

What Celebrity Big Brother needs now is for Becky McDonald to go into the house.

This series of the reality TV show is heating up nicely, with the housemates having the kind of rows we haven't seen for years.

But what they really need is for Becky to light the blue touch paper and see it really blow up.

There are few better people than the Coronation Street character when you need insults hurled and a good put-down.

Last night she left the cobbles on a much-deserved happy ending, after throwing a few choice words Tracy's way.

"Your shiny new wife's a filthy liar," she told Steve.

I particularly liked the way she called Deirdre 'Dreary'.

Her parting from Roy and Hayley was tearjerking, but I couldn't quite cheer as loudly as I might when she flew off, first class, with new boyfriend Danny to a new life in the Caribbean, declaring: "We're heading for the stars."

This would have had far greater impact if we knew him better. If this was a great love affair which had developed over months or years. If we were finally getting to see two much-loved characters get together, in a Ross and Rachel in Friends way.

Instead we saw Becky leave with a man we've only just met, so when he told her he loved her, it didn't mean much.

Still, let's hope it lasts, eh?

And if it doesn't, Becks should come back and have a go at those awful twins in Celebrity Big Brother. The girs, who made their names posing naked for Playboy and for frequently pulling their pants down in photo shoots, went mad when Denise playfully pulled Karissa's trousers and underwear down.

It was a silly, drunken thing to do but Karissa completely overreacted by storming into the diary room, demanding to see her agent and telling Big Brother: "I'm gonna sue!"

Oh, calm down, dear! You used to be Hugh Hefner's girlfrlend. Very little can get more embarrassing than that. And you really can't claim to be a 'reserved person' .

I reckon Becky would also have had some choice words for bitchy Nicola McLean, who inflamed the row by leaping in on the twins' side. She later revealed she was a 'secret feminist'. Not quite sure what the point of one of them is, or even if she knows what she means.

Throughout all of this, bizarrely, it was Frankie Cacozza who was the mature voice of reason, and I never thought I'd say that.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Jason Gardiner.

Yes, he was often too personal and rude, but he was fun to watch. Now the judging panel on Dancing On Ice are just too nice and their comments too bland. We want someone with bite.

It would help if more than one of them could speak English properly and form a coherent sentence. Instead we get Louie Spence's speech impediment - he really shouldn't keep saying speed, sexy and precision - and Katarina Witt's stilted odd phrases as she witters on without really getting to the point. Or openly letches the male celebrities, which got a bit embarrassing.

I reckon the judges were scared of Laila Morse as they failed to point out how hopeless she was, though they at least made the right decision in booting her off.

She tried to act like she wasn't bothered, but as she talked through gritted teeth, her true feelings were obvious. She proved that acting in EastEnders isn't that much of a stretch, as she is clearly as grumpy as Big Mo off screen.

I can't help feeling that some of the professional skaters really drew the short straw when it came to getting partners.

Lucky Brianne Delcourt won last year with Sam Attwater, and this time gets another front runner in athletic, gorgeous Frenchman Sebastian Foucan. Perhaps producers hope she will enter into another fauxmance to get publicity.

Meanwhile, pity poor Mark Hanretty. Last series he went out first with Nadia Sawalha, so he might have expected to be given someone with more of a chance of winning this time.

Instead he gets Rosemary Conley, who admittedly looks brilliant for 65 but is still three times his age and unlikely to last too long.

I'm just fascinated by Corey Feldman and his amazing strand of hair. I want to see what more he can do with it as the weeks go on - will it get its own lyrca and sequinned outfit?

Now, this is more like it! After Cbannel 5's first attempt at Celebrity Big Brother was such a disappointing damp squib - featuring such 'stars' as model Bobby 'who?' Sabel - they've actually tried to recruit some entertaining housemates.

Yes, OK, I have never heard of lingerie model Georgia, but we can forgive that when they've got Sonia from EastEnders and someone who cut a cop's ear off in there.

There's so much to laugh at already, from Andrew Stone's delusions of grandeur to Natalie Cassidy telling Michael Madsen 'I loved you in Free Willy' and high fiving him.

Madsen is probably the biggest name, though he is still trading off his role in Reservoir Dogs, a film made 20 years ago. We know you played Mr Blonde, you don't need to dye your hair that colour to remind us. Or bring up the fact someone called you a god. Maybe you looked like one then, but now? Not so much.

I did like his put-downs for rubbish Brian Dowling, though, whose 'interview' technique is mainly to nervously repeat 'I like it!', while supplying us with such earth-shattering facts as the Playboy twins have tried fish and chips...and loved it! Wow.

He's just needlessly stretching out a show which is already too long at two hours.

The launch show is full enough without forcing Natalie Cassidy to undergo a secret mission, enjoyable as it is. She coped very well, actually, in her dangly earrings - a tribute to Pat Butcher, perhaps?

I reckon Nat or Gareth Thomas will win. Mind you, I thought Jedward were a cert to win last series, so what do I know.

There's been a plethora of quizzes on telly lately, offering varying degrees of entertainment.

I rather liked seeing Davina McCall swap places with Phil Spencer on the Million Pound Drop Mash-Up, so he asked the questions and she answered them with her dad Andrew.

She had a taste of her own medicine when she was on the receiving end of the excruciatingly long pauses, shouting "Just get on with it!". Now you know how we viewers feel. Building up tension is one thing, but there comes a point when it tests our patience with all this "Let's see what's going to drop.....after the break!".

I find the best way to watch is to record it and then fast forward through most of it - you can watch it in half the time.

It was a shame that Davina and Andrew got the final question wrong, when they had actually played a pretty good game up until then.

Perhaps she would have fared better on Celebrity Mastermind, which has been touting some rather dubious 'celebs' - there's at least one person on every show I have never heard of.

Then again, it must be hard to persuade star names to put their intelligence to the test in the scary black chair. Which is why they have swapped the usual tough general knowledge questions for far easier ones, only slightly more taxing than on The Weakest Link.

It's still a great format, though, and it was nice to see singer Neil Hannon win last night as it clearly meant so much to him, having watched the show all his life.

Mastermind is simple but compelling, unlike new Channel 4 qame show The Bank Job. The rules seem incomprehensible to everyone, including host George Lamb who doesn't appear to have much of a clue what's going on.

"Let's open the box," he said. "No, hang on, let's choose a box." Ooh, the excitement.

I don't think this show will be back. I'm putting it in the Red Or Black category of shows which arrived with a fanfare but will slink off with a whimper, after failing to ignite our interest.