November 2011 Archives

So last night it was 'totes toodle-pip' to the posh folk of Chelsea and 'alright youse' to the Scousers.

It's disappointing to say goodbye to Made In Chelsea, especially as I don't think Desperate Scousewives is a good enough replacement.

I like getting a glimpse into how the other half life, in a world full of cocktails, pet eagles, diamond merchants, Italian maids, sports cars, fencing and three-piece Union Jack suits.

Call me a reality TV snob, but the Liverpudlian accent grates. They may be upperclass twits, but at least the Chelsea lot know how to speak properly, and without peppering their sentences with cliches like "I'm not being funny" and "At the end of the day".

I think the MIC girls like Millie (pictured) and Caggie are naturally stunning, but in Liverpool they are all faking it.

Covered in inches of make-up, they are all about fake boobs, fake tans, fake eyelashes and fake hair. Which they put rollers in and go out shopping in on a Monday afternoon - it's the law in Liverpool, apparently.

The set-ups and conversations seemed much more forced and stilted than on Made In Chelsea, though they were not without the power to entertain.

I especially liked Jodie's job interview at a beauty salon, where amazingly she got the post despite telling them she would take time off to watch football and give customers the hideous 'Scouse brow'.

The best exchange came when salon owner Chris informed her they wanted to "bring a bit of glamour" to Liverpool....by introducing anal bleaching.

Of course! The Only Way Is Essex introduced the world to vajazzling, so the Scousewives want to give us the next thing in 'downstairs' decoration, despite Jodie's concerns.

"That's a bit Hollywood, we're only in Anfield," she quite rightly pointed out.

Later in the episode, model Chloe had a fake tan crisis when her hands came out orange. Her solution was to bleach her palms.

"You'll smell like a toilet," she was warned. "I know, but it's better than looking like a tangerine," she replied.

And at least bleaching your hands is better than bleaching your bum, eh.

There are times in television when big definitely doesn't mean better.

Much as I quite enjoy The X Factor, I wasn't thrilled at today's news that the final will be played out over FOUR hours.

For goodness sake, there will only be three acts competing, so how much can they really pad it out?

And it's taking place at Wembley Arena, which Strictly Come Dancing recently did first and made a huge fuss about.

As far as I was concerned, it was a fuss over nothing as the show wasn't that exciting.

The arena - not Wembley Stadium, despite all the footballing analogies - was really too big for the dancers, who couldn't use all the vast floor.

I reckon some of the atmosphere will be lost when the X Factor tries to fill that cavernous space.

And I don't know why the dancing celebs kept talking about what an amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity it was, either. Most of them will be back at Wembley in January on the Strictly live tour.

I still don't want Mark Wright to win I'm A Celebrity, but someone has overtaken him in my 'most annoying campmate' rankings.

Pat Sharp.

At first he was just an overtanned letch, leering at girls half his age.

Then he started acting objectionably, bullying Lorraine and talking of burning her beloved teddy bear. He said he did it deliberately so viewers would vote for him to do the trial, but I don't think he's that good an actor. He really is that mean.

And now he's become unbearably arrogant, bossing everyone about and playing the big cheese, which he most definitely is not.

Obviously Emily 'who?' Scott, with her odd two-tone hair, will probably be first to be voted out as she contributes nothing.

But please can we puncture Pat's pomposity by ensuring he gets an early exit?

I've already said why Mark Wright must not win I'm A Celebrity.

Last night he confirmed what a complete idiot he is. His attempts to chat up Emily 'who the hell are you? Seriously, you're even less famous than Jessica-Jane' Scott are only marginally less cringe-making than Pat Sharp's lechery.

But it's his stupidity which seals the deal. Last night he told us, with great conviction, that Birmingham used to be the capital of England. Which it probably should have been, but never was.

Then he said that the Battle of Hastings took place in 1880. I despair.

Meanwhile, I'm getting worried about the others bullying timid Lorraine. She's one of my favourites, I just wish she would turn and give them all what for!

I realise I am probably in a minority here, but I'm going to say something rather shocking.

I don't find Peter Kay very funny.

While you're still spluttering, let me make it clear that he's not terrible. I have laughed at some of his work.

I just don't think he's the comedy god that he has been made out to be.

I particularly don't like his appearance on chat shows. I don't know why he does them, as he clearly finds answering questions about himself uncomfortable.

But when forced to flog his latest DVD, he will go on telly - and becomes a nightmare guest.

On Jonathan Ross's show, he thought it would be hilarious to hang off the set.

And last night on Alan Carr, he was equally annoying, putting off any chance of an actual interview by walking round the set, picking things up and breaking them.

He fell off a chair, which everyone - apart from me - thought was hilarious.

Anything Alan asked him, Peter deflected with a question of his own.

So Alan cleverly decided to go with the flow and gave up all hope of talking to him sensibly, deciding instead to reverse the roles and get Peter to be the chat show host.

Peter was right about one thing, though - Alan is a naturally very witty man, which I don't believe Peter is.

He had just the right tone to bring out the best in Lady GaGa.

It's early days, but who are shaping up to be likely Kings or Queens of the jungle?

I'm going to stake my money (OK, virtual money) on Lorraine Chase. From what little I've seen of her, she's amusing, friendly and, most importantly, a really game bird.

She is twice the age of many of the men in I'm a Celebrity, but didn't look 60 as she threw herself out of a helicopter and stuck her face in horrible creepy crawlies.
She certainly showed Mark Wright up.

I think Crissy might do well too, as long as she stops trying to do lame stand-up comedy. And keeps her teeth in.

Freddie Starr could go two ways - we could realise what an overlooked treasure he is and make him win, like Tony Blackburn. Or, more likely, he'll become the annoying David Van Day of camp.

I want to like Antony Cotton, but he'll have to stop whingeing and bitching quite so much. And so far Willie Carson hasn't been as entertaining as I'd hoped.

It's all to play for, so let's hope they don't let us down. At least Ant and Dec are as brilliant as ever.

Meanwhile, just a word about Saturday's Strictly, which for me was spoiled by two things. The annoying sketches they've started making, often involving weird dream sequences. And Bruce.

I know I've said it before, but it really is time for Brucie to retire. His jokes are bad enough without him messing up their delivery. His constant plugging of his new album and the berating of the studio audience is really tiresome.

I'd like Tess to go too, really, and be replaced by Claudia, who is far more natural, amusing and better dressed.

Simon Cowell must be rubbing his hands together in glee.

Not only has the departure of Frankie Cocozza brought him acres of publicity and got everyone talking about The X Factor, but he's set to make loads more money from voting lines.

It's bad enough that the (admittedly deluded) people who forked out to keep Frankie in the competition have wasted their cash.

But then to make viewers spend more money to find his replacement? That's not on. Sure, some of the money is going to charity, but not all of it.

And the worst thing of all is that the four we have to choose from aren't even the ones we would have wanted to return.

I thought it would be the last four acts to leave, ie Johnny, The Risk, Sophie and Sami.

And not the worst four in the competition, the ones who were easily got rid of by the judges on the first live show.

If I had to choose, I'd like to see 2 Shoes back. We need someone fun after the sad departure of Johnny.

But I certainly won't be spending any money to get them there and line the pockets of Cowell and ITV.

Will somebody please put Baby in the corner? Because she shouldn't be let out to judge Strictly Come Dancing again.

I liked Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing and thought her a worthy winner of Dancing With The Stars. But that doesn't mean she's any good as a judge.

Her arrival at the weekend, standing in for Len Goodman, was heralded as if she was the Queen rather than an actress whose career has gone downhill after an early hit.

She clearly wanted everyone to carry on loving her, and so refused to give anyone a low score.

I knew we were in for trouble when she marked Lulu with an eight, even though her tango was distinctly mediocre and eventually saw her voted off.

Then almost everyone else, including Audley, got an eight. Jennifer really ran the whole gamut of scores, from seven to nine.

She managed to make Alesha look knowledgeable and restrained with her marking.

it might have been part of Len's cunning plan to make us miss him and welcome him back with open arms next week.

We certainly appreciate him more than the Americans, who cruelly insulted him during last week's edition of Dancing With The Stars.

When he told one of the professional dancers, who's far more lippy than James Jordan, that he'd been in the business for 50 years, he was told 'Well maybe it's time for you to get out'.

How dare he! Don't worry Len, we still love you.

Watching the American versions of British hits is fascinating, to see how alike and different they are.

DWTS has a much better host in Tom Bergeron than Bruce Forsyth, but, as I've said before, the US X Factor is poorly served by presenter Steve Jones.

Nicole Scherzinger continues to come out with waffly rubbish which makes Paula Abdul sound sane and sensible.

Just like in the UK version, the groups get voted off first.

And there was one striking similarity when one of Simon Cowell's acts sang a version of Walking On Sunshine which we'd heard before.

The chorus had been changed to 'You're my sunshine...but you gotta go'. The very words which Gamu sang at her memorable X Factor audition in Glasgow last year.

When Nicole questioned the change, Simon replied: "It's called being inventive, darling."

No Simon, it's called stealing. You should be ashamed of yourself.