August 2011 Archives

"We are really just performing monkeys, aren't we?" said Kerry Katona last night, in a rare moment of insight.

Well done Kerry for realising her lowly place in the TV world and spotting the only reason why we would tune in to Celebrity Big Brother.

We watch to see 'famous' (I use the word loosely with this series) folk make fools of themselves, usually dressed in silly costumes such as the current Wizard of Oz challenge.

I still can't bear to watch it for long though. I had to switch over when John, or Edward, squeaked "I'm a Munchkin". And I find Amy Childs' whiney voice far too grating.

She was very pleased with herself for saying the word "argumentative" (well it is more than two syllables), declaring that she was talking "proper posh".

No love, you'll never do that.

So what did we learn from the weekend's telly?

That TV has a new comic star in Brummie Joe Lycett, that Gary Barlow is more than an acceptable substitute for Simon Cowell, and that I still can't get into Celebrity Big Brother.

I tuned in to CBB on Sunday night and was bored stiff, even though the 'celebs' were covered in toilet rolls to look like mummies. To organise a game of Egyptian musical chairs they'd drafted in Mohammed Al Fayed, who seemed bemused by the whole thing.

It shows how unknown the housemates are that Channel 5 have started writing their names on the screen when they appear. That's just annoying.

I hate to say it, but this lot are so dull that Jedward are the most interesting things in there and are bound to win.

But back to Saturday night, which started off really well with the new BBC1 series Epic Win. It was bonkers but amusing, celebrating stupid skills that are typically British, like the ability to name a lawnmower just from looking at the grass it has cut.

I liked host Alexander Armstrong but the person who made me laugh the most was Brummie Joe Lycett, simply by tilting his head. He's got a great future ahead of him and you read it here first.

Then came the new-look X Factor, which made us all go Simon who? Cheryl who?

I really didn't miss the old judges at all, not when we got feisty Tulisa and gorgeous Gary Barlow instead. I loved the way he surveyed the acts he liked, with a smile playing on his lips.

I just wish they would stop faffing around with arty shots of helicopters, landmarks and queues, and show us more actual auditions. In a 75-minute show, we only saw half-a-dozen people perform. More singing and less filling next week, please.

Oh dear, is this really how low we have sunk?

I'm a fan of reality TV, really I am. I usually watch all the Big Brother series. But I am not impressed by the lack of star names in this 'Celebrity' Big Brother now it's moved to Channel 5.

For a start, there were hardly any surprises. Almost all the names had been leaked in advance. The only new ones were people I had never heard of - model Bobby Sabel and actor Lucien Laviscount. Er, who?

The really sad thing is that none of the housemates have any real talent to speak of. Almost all of them - even new presenter Brian Dowling - have become famous for being on TV in other reality shows.

Kerry Katona, Amy Childs, gypsy Paddy, Tara Reid, 'singers' Jedward - no real talent among them. And Sally Bercow and Pamela Hasselhoff are trading off the fame of their husbands.

It comes to something when the greatest talent they can boast between them is the ability to take paparazzi photographs.

The biggest question is who will be most annoying - Jedward, who may never stop talking, or weird 'what's up, buttercup?' Pamela. And I can't understand a word Paddy says. Will Jedward have to translate?

Brian made a good job of stepping into Davina's shoes, though he was better when he was coming up with his own witty jibes and wasn't trying to read the autocue.

Making Kerry become a stroppy diva could be fun. The only way this series might work is if Big Brother gets evil.

I was surprised when we were told this is the 46th house that Kerry has lived in. I didn't think she could count that high.

I feel so much better about my untidy, cluttered flat after watching the BBC1 documentary My Hoarder Mum and Me.

I have a lot of 'stuff' but my home looks positively minimalist in comparison.

I'm a bit of a hoarder, but I don't have a mental illness like Vasoulla, mum of TV presenter Jasmine Harman.

She has a serious psychological problem and can't bear to throw anything away.

Her family can barely walk into rooms because they are so packed to the brim with things. Vasoulla has slept on the floor because she couldn't get to her bed.

This was a fascinating documentary, emotional and funny at times, such as when Vasoulla agreed to take some things to a car boot sale but ended up buying more books while she was there.

"It's not worth upsetting your family for any of this stuff," her exasperated son told her. True, but that didn't help her compulsion.

I feel for Vasoulla. Now please excuse me while I go and tidy up.

Ooh ooh ooh! The latest Doctor Who trailer is out, and it looks like the second half of the latest series is going to be a belter.

"My time is running out," he cries. "And this is where it begins," declares scary-looking Frances Barber in an eye patch.

What with flying dinosaurs, pyramids and ugly new monsters, I can't wait to see how it all pans out.
I'm especially looking forward to the episode called Let's Kill Hitler, which Matt Smith has said is his favourite so far.

A human cannonball! Yes, this is exactly what has been missing from Dragons' Den.

I loved Rodrigo and the romantic story of how he met his wife Lois when he flew into her arms in a Mexican circus.

And I loved him even more when he refused to tell the dragons how his cannon worked, because of the 'human cannonball code'.

What a shame they didn't invest in him. Or, at the very least, say 'you're fired' instead of 'I'm out'.

The new series of Dragons' Den kicked off in fine style, with new dragon Hilary Devey breathing fire and new life into the den.

I interviewed her last week (here's more) and found her funny and not too scary, but I'm glad I didn't fail to provide her with basic information and be on the receiving end of her icy glare and angry jibes.

Or be told "You would make my foot itch, mate!". The fact I have no idea what that means makes it more terrifying.

It was only when watching the show that I realised I'd been pronouncing her name wrong for weeks, calling her (to myself and colleagues, thankfully not to her face) Hilary Dee-vee, when in fact it's De-Vay.

She was a lot more fun on the show than Duncan Bannatyne, who is grumpier than ever. He accused one poor girl of killing Santa Claus, and to really rub it in, called her idea "terrible, terrible, terrible - it's horrible". Don't mince your words, Duncan.

Then he threw a childish strop when the solar panel man didn't immediately accept his offer.

But he reached new heights of irritability when a woman came on with her oven glove that she, rather cleverly I thought, called a Gloven.

He told her she couldn't call it that because her product wasn't a cross between an oven and glove, like a spork (spoon and fork).

Come on Duncs, lighten up!