July 2011 Archives

IN my last blog I complained that Coronation Street was getting far too bleak and like EastEnders with its crime storylines.

But I'm glad to report it can still look on the bright side of life. I laughed out loud last night at one of Julie's lines, when she was discussing Brian's imaginary friend - who he talked to, not when he was a child, but while a deputy headmaster.

Even more amusing and frankly bizarre was the colour of Lloyd's face. He's clearly fallen asleep in the sun and has darkened considerably - or been standing next to radioactive Jordan - but it was very strange that not one person mentioned it.

Then it was on to Torchwood on BBC1, which is shaping up to be a great series, apart from all the pandering to the American market.

The Torchwood we know and love is in danger of disappearing beneath all those Yanks.

It's bad enough that the American viewers get to see it before us, but I particularly resented the way they felt the need to translate words for them.

Cashpoint, crisps, mobile phone and petrol station? I think you mean ATM, chips, cell and gas station! Ho, ho, how unsubtle.

If I'd have been Gwen, I'd have made a sarcastic comment but she was all 'thanks, please continue to translate'. Surely American viewers aren't that stupid? Oh, hang on, maybe they are...

Coronation Street has come in for flak lately regarding some of its storylines, but the latest one to emerge is particularly disturbing.

Spoiler alert, by the way - don't read any further if you don't want to know what's coming up.

I don't think there are too many gays in the Street, which is one complaint. But there is an increasing amount of crime, and one forthcoming storyline will, I think, cross the line as to what is suitable for a soap shown at 7.30pm.

Frank is going to rape Carla, who will then try to kill herself. What do they think this is, EastEnders?

At least Frank is sticking to his character. It's very annoying when new people join a soap and then suddenly become nice, like Owen. After assaulting Maria, Frank looked like he'd fallen victim to Personality Transplant Syndrome by acting kind and supportive to Carla, but at least he's still wicked underneath.

Is he too wicked for a family soap, though?

Some readers - especially John Barrowman fans - may think I'm too mean about some people on telly.

But I am a pussycat compared to the viciousness of Kate Copstick, one of the judges on ITV1's stand-up comedy contest Show Me The Funny, who makes Simon Cowell look like Rolf Harris.

It takes real balls to get up in front of an audience and try to make them laugh, but even more guts - or a heart of stone - to be cruel about someone to their face.

"Are you aware that you have all the personal warmth of a Nile crocodile?" she told one contestant.
"I'm not always like that," he replied.
"I've seen you twice and yes, you are," she countered. Ouch!

She told another bloke - who'd got a standing ovation - that he was lazy and smug, and another that he was appalling at accents. Don't hold back, Kate.

Also last night, I happened to catch an episode of Celebrity Apprentice, which was screened in America back in 2008 so I'm baffled why they're only getting round to showing it here now. There have been three series since, starring the likes of Joan Rivers, Sharon Osbourne, Meat Loaf and David Cassidy.

Why don't we do this in Britain? Not the short version that's just done for Comic Relief and is over in a day or two, but a proper, full-length series with different tasks and someone being fired every week. It'd be better than Celebrity Big Brother.

In the 2008 series, Piers Morgan was the star. I'd love to see him take part in a British version and go up against his old adversary Lord Alan Sugar, who'd be a lot more straight-talking with the celebs than namby pamby Donald Trump, whose ridiculous hairstyle means I can't take him at all seriously.

Yay! I don't mind admitting I cheered when Lord Sugar hired mad inventor Tom Pellereau - my favourite from the start - as his business partner.

His success on The Apprentice is proof that nice guys can finish first, and made up for what, until that moment, had been a rather disappointing final.

The interview challenge has produced some memorable moments in the past but there weren't any 'you're not a big fish, you're not even a fish' lines.

I was waiting for Claude to really rip into the arrogance of Jim, who called his own business plan "amazing, brilliant, impactful" but couldn't really describe exactly what it was.

But it never came. He was harder on poor Tom, who looked crestfallen when Claude told him "You don't know anything".

The best we got was Margaret asking Jim to tell her something about himself without using a cliche, to which he replied: "I'm exactly what it says on the tin." Aarggh.

One of the other interviewers asked them all to do an 'elevator pitch'. Hello, we're in Britain, what happened to lifts?

I reckon Jim was dead in the water in the boardroom as soon as he called his potential business partner 'Sugar'. What a Freudian slip for a man used to chatting people up.

And Helen failed because she couldn't tell a joke and came up with a rubbish business plan which involved paying someone to make your dentist appointments. You could just sense Lord Sugar's disappointment, as she was clearly his favourite until then.

I'm just so pleased that the best man won, so well done Tom!

Looks like all the TV execs are already off on their hols and the silly season has begun.

Next week may have good new series The Hour starting, but the rest of the schedule is looking decidedly thin. And I'd make plans now to find alternative entertainment for Wednesday.

Normally that's Apprentice night, but with the final shifting to Sunday, we're left with a barren wasteland of repeats.

The evening on BBC1 kicks off with 'the best of' (ie repeats) of The One Show. Then 'another chance to see' Sherlock. Then a repeat of Not Going Out.

On BBC2, repeats of Eggheads, Great British Journey, Rich Stein's Spain, Top Gear and Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

On ITV1, a repeat of Lewis takes up two hours of the evening. Oh, and there's one new programme, The Corrie Years - but that's just really a repeat of 50 years of Coronation Street clips.

This really isn't good enough, chaps.

And so, 'reluctantly', we say goodbye to Melody, one of the most watchable - and quotable - candidates on this year's Apprentice.

I actually cheered when Lord Sugar fired her instead of lovely Tom, though I did warm to the Walsall girl on You're Fired when she admitted she covered up her feelings of insecurity by coming across as arrogant.

She can leave with her head held high, after Lord Sugar called her "a woman of exceptional ability". Though we still don't really know what she does in that global business of hers.

Melody's card was marked as soon as she fell out with Helen, a woman evern more frightening, who really went for the jugular in the boardroom.

Who'd have thought that nodding dogs, sold, as Nick said, to people with 'appalling taste', would be the key to this task?

Jim went through a manipulative, rather nasty phase, but he seems to be back on top now having won over NIck with his 'baloney'. His 'come to Papa' line was disturbing, though.

Natasha was rubbish and rude when she told poor Susie to 'stop embarrassing yourself'. I'm not surprised Lord Sugar took away their treat. I bet she'll be next to be fired.

So, Britain's Next Top Model is back and there's so much to talk about, dahling.

Not least the annoyingly uncatchy new name, Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model, leading to the unwieldy acronym BAINTM.

I wondered whether I'd be able to sit through the whole show without being sick. Not at the sight of poor awkward teenagers stripped down to their bikinis (though only in Scotland - why were the London auditionees allowed to keep their clothes on?), but at the nauseatingly swirly, zooming camerawork that made it impossible to focus.

Then there was the annoying Fearne Cotton voiceover, although she is at least better than Elle Macpherson, whose narrative style was very odd last year.

There are other changes too, particularly having the judges travel the country for X Factor-style auditions. Why must every reality show now include these bits? MasterChef did it but this is far more contrived, with the cruel judges pushing the girls until they broke down in tears, then making them 'reach down inside yourself' to come up with a sob story before they would put them through to the strains of Greatest Day or Rule the World. So cliched.

Going out on the street to scout for potential models seems unnecessary too. Charley Speed stopped girls in the street only to tell them they were too old or too short. Gee, thanks for that.

I'm sure I saw Millie from Made in Chelsea among the London audtionees, proving how desperate she is to get on telly.

Perhaps this is just the start of more reality TV crossovers, and next we'll see The Only Way Is Essex lot entering Britain's Got Talent. And their talent? Making millions of people watch a load of rubbish. That's some achievement.

Oh dear. After I'd said such nice things about it (see here), the final episode of Scott & Bailey was a real disappointment.

Where was the action and drama? They seemed to have forgotten the serial killer storyline. After building up the tension so well in the previous episode, which ended with Scott at death's door having been stabbed, that all vanished in Sunday's show.

We started three months after those events, with Scott absolutely fine and just the tiniest scar on her face despite being badly slashed.

There was no mention of how they caught the killer. Instead we had a dull episode full of discussion about police procedure and initials - PNC, MMP (whatever that is) to name but a few.

Luther's idea of breaking the rules is to break a killer out of prison and stop witnesses testifying in trials. The big deal in Scott & Bailey was about Rachel looking up a number plate. Wow! This heinous crime could have cost her her job, apparently.

Now I'm all for the police being held accountable for their actions, but surely we have far worse behaviour to worry about?

Scott & Bailey is still watchable enough for me to want a second series, but I hope it'll have more action and less paperwork.