Tips Kate can pick up from Big Fat Royal Gypsy Wedding

I bet Kate Middleton was watching tonight's Big Fat Royal Gypsy Wedding and seething with jealousy.

"Why oh why couldn't we hold our reception in an animal rescue centre, Mummy?" she no doubt said. "Buckingham Palace won't be nearly as much fun.

"And is it too late to add pink feathers to the horses that pull our carriage? Or stick 40,000 crystals on to my dress? Oh, and let's take the back off it while we're at it.

"I just want to look as good as traveller Mary. After all, I won't have her trouble getting down the aisle. Westminster Abbey was made for huge wide wedding dresses.

"And I worry we've only got 1,900 guests coming, not every single traveller in the whole of Britain."

I wish we'd got to meet Mary's prince charming, Paddy, who she called "the perfect man". Aah, bless. It looks like it was a real love match like Kate and William, not a marriage arranged after any nasty grabbing.

The outfits on the guests were astonishing, not least the mother of the bride who looked like a fluffy pink mermaid.

Dressmaker extraordinaire Thelma Madine said: "They want it to be perfect."

Well here's a tip - don't try to organise it in just three weeks. No wonder you had trouble finding a venue. But didn't that animal rescue centre scrub up well!