Britain might not have talent after all

OH dear, it's not looking too good, is it? Is this really the best talent that we can muster?

The first episode of Britain's Got Talent was worth watching for Michael McIntyre and The Hoff, and to play the 'rubbish or good?' game where you have to guess what they're going to be like before they start.

But the acts weren't exactly inspiring.

A bloke who pops his eyes out is not something I enjoy watching.

I'm tired of dog and dance acts, I want something new. Mouth-organ-playing Mary was hilarious when she called Amanda Joanna Lumley, but sadly being a comedian wasn't her act.

NIne-year-old David Knight was fairly funny, but no-one was amazing. The only reason we thought the IT worker who sang with the guitar was any good was because it was such a surprise, dressed as he was in his 'sherbet leisurewear'.

And 53-year-old Stephen Hall wasn't a great dancer, it was just that we weren't expecting it, because he looked like a 60-year-old headteacher.

It was hardly a Su-Bo moment.

Similarly, Gay and Alan were sweet with their 'handbells are for life, not just for Christmas' message, but talented? Nah.

Oh, and don't think I didn't notice that you've bumped Selfridges and the Bullring from the opening credits. Why not show Birmingham now, if we're supposedly packed with so much talent?

If this is the best the series has to offer, I might stop watching now.

PS I was right about Sing If You Can. What a load of rubbish. Shame on you Dave Gorman for agreeing to appear on it, even Shaun Ryder had the grace to look embarrassed.