December 2010 Archives

Forgive me for not mentioning this earlier, but I have been rather busy. It's Christmas, you know.

I've been up to my ears in Doctor Who and Upstairs Downstairs and so have overlooked January offerings - until now.

Of course I knew there was a new series of Dancing On Ice on the way and had heard that Kerry Katona was in it. How disappointing.

And I'd heard 'Comedy' Dave Vitty wittering on about it on the radio, a man whose name has to be linked with Chris Moyles before you have an inkling who he is.

So, so far we have a girl famous for taking drugs and having public breakdowns, and a man who will be forever in the (large) shadow of someone else.

Not a great start really, is it?

But it gets worse. Coming so soon after the end of Strictly, which delighted us with such top names as Pamela Stephenson, Felicity Kendal and Ann Widdecombe, we expected far more from the ice show.

But what we get when the ITV1 show returns on January 9 are Angela Rippon and a handful of people I have barely heard of.

Come on, Sam Attwater? He was briefly in EastEnders, apparently.

Laura Hamilton? Never heard of her. Elen Rivas? She's a WAG, therefore someone else who is just famous for her association with a proper celebrity. Along with Chloe Madeley, daughter of someone famous.

Johnson Beharry is billed as 'military hero', with VC prominent after his name. Well done for winning the Victoria Cross, mate, but that doesn't mean I want to watch you skate in bright neon costumes.

I like Nadia Sawalha, but Craig McLachlan and Vanilla Ice are both has-beens.

Oh, I'll be tuning in, don't worry. But I really did hope for a more entertaining line-up than this.

So it's over.

The turkey has gone and the turkeys have gone off our screen.

What a letdown the festive television was.

Here's what I thought....

EastEnders - More depressing than usual with a ridiculously twee ending tagged on
Corrie - Tracey Barlow returns - surprise, surprise she's a bitch - yawn
The Royle Family - Once again the saviour, more of the same comedy gold by numbers
Doctor Who - Quality but predictable quality
Benidorm - made me cry - it was that bad

I can't even think of anything else it was that memorable - I mean, Miss Marple on Christmas night? Come on!

Utter, utter, utter madness...

It has to be one of the best lines spoken on telly all year.

"You're not a big fish. You're not even a fish."

Well done Claude for seeing through Stuart Baggs and his nonsensical hot air on The Apprentice.

But the highlight of a brilliant episode was his dramatic firing.

Lord Sugar seemed genuinely angry, with himself as much as Stuart, as he admitted how annoyed he was for letting him get this far in the competition - and saving him over Liz. Well, I did tell you that, Suralan.....

But I didn't expect him to spit out "You're full of sh*t, now clear off." Wow!

Perhaps now Stuart will change his nickname from The Brand ('you're not a brand' said Claude, cuttingly) to The Blagger. Though I doubt it. He was as cocky as ever during his post-firing taxi ride, claiming it wasn't his fault, it was everyone else's for not 'getting' him.

He whined: "It's entirely unfair and I think maybe everyone has had a complete lack of understanding about what I'm really about."

It was amazing you got so far in the competition, Stuart, but thank you for entertaining us for so long. You were an idiot, but you were TV gold.

And well done to Joanna, who can indeed leave with her head held high. It was really quite emotional.

Now i want Stella to win. Her determination is remarkable, having risen to the top with no qualifications. As she said: "I can make things happen. I made my life happen."

You go, girl!

Chris has his talents, but I can't bear that monotone posh voice of his, or his insistence on going on about how many As he got in his A levels.

I thought we all stopped comparing exam results after the first week at university.

It always makes me laugh when the TV producers wield the axe on the child actors who they deem not grown up enough or not up to the standard of acting that is requaired anymore.

EastEnders have been up to it this week with Ben Mitchell.

The new Ben Mitchell looks just like the old Ben Mitchell if you imagine he has being squished and squashed through the EastEnders Chav transformation machine...

Spot the difference? Well yeah you can...

Sorry Corrie, but I feel cheated.

Now the dust has settled after the tram crash, we can assess how well the week went - but also how the producers mislead us.

They promised us four funerals and a wedding. But we're only going to see three.

That's because the fourth victim was an unnamed man sitting in a car near the bar, someone we care not a jot about.

Producer Phil Collinson says: "It was vital that we created as much anticipation and intrigue as possible for anniversary week. The 'Four Funerals' tag was too good to resist and encouraged the speculation about who would and who would not survive this terrible week in Weatherfield.

"In this case, speculation became a big part of the viewers' identification with the drama and therefore enhanced their enjoyment of it."

Sorry, but this has not enhanced my enjoyment at all. It's just confused me, as I waited for another death which never arrived.

We've known for months that Molly and Ashley were being written out, so their deaths didn't come as much of a shock.
Charlotte's demise was a pretty good storyline, but we don't care about her.

So there's been not much surprise, just frustration and a feeling that we've been cheated.

After a brilliant week, and an excellent live episode, it leaves a bit of a nasty taste in the mouth. Shame on you, Corrie!

Attempting an hour-long live soap episode with such dramatic scenes is really ambitious, so well done Coronation Street for pulling it off.

But, if anything, it was a little too slick. You'd never have known it was live, because they did it so well. No one fluffed their lines or put their fingers down their throat in order to be sick (yes, I'm looking at you, the Branning brothers).

It would be better if it went a little bit wrong just to remind us of the feat they were attempting.

Still, it was a great episode, full of emotion, pathos and twists - who'd have thought Charlotte was still alive?!

Some bits didn't work quite so well. I'm getting annoyed with Mary, and having her trying to inject some humour into the situation didn't sit well.

Some of the cast were guilty of over-acting, particularly Fiz when screaming her lungs out in labour.

The Becky/Kylie storyline was a bit daft, and I doubt very much that Sally would ever have been allowed in the rubble, especially without a hard hat.

So who are the other two deaths going to be? I think you're in great danger if your name rhymes. So watch out Peter, Rita and Sunita.

Not only was last night's episode of The Apprentice probably the best one yet it also saw justice prevail with Stuart Baggs getting a stay of execution at the expense of the Midland's very own lacklustre Liz Locke.

He is the only one in the whole show who seems to have a personality and what's more he comes out with some glorious one-liners without even realising.

He didn't win the overall prize for one liners last night though, that went to Jamie Lester who came out with some corkers whilst doing the London tours...

"That's the gherkin, it's called the gherkin because it's shaped like a gerkhin.."

"On your left is the River Thames, the second biggest river in London."

And my personal favourite graphic description of death to a bunch of tourists including small children...

"He crushed their skulls on the floor and snapped their necks in half.."

There was also the battle of Trafalgar Square with Stuart trying to pinch custom from the opposition team only to be told to go forth and multiply by an incensed Chris. The most animated we have seen him all series.

The one trick pony - field of ponies rant from Stuart was enough to keep him in...

Let's just hope that the legend that is Stuart Baggs can overcome a grilling in the interviews - I think they may be a little harder on him than Lord Sugar.

Back Baggs is what I say!

Well, I really wasn't expecting that.

No, not Ashley dying in Coronation Street. I had a strong suspicion that was going to happen - he'd do anything to get out of moving to France - and his fate was sealed as soon as Claire left that soppy message on his phone, which of course he had to listen to before heroically trying to keep up the bar roof and save his pals, then disappearing beneath the rubble.

No, the big surprise of last night's TV viewing was Liz Locke being fired from The Apprentice.

What on earth was Alan Sugar thinking? She was my tip to win the show. She's clever, she's a hard-worker, she's a nice person and gets on with people, she's pretty and she's a Midlander. What more could you possibly want?

A stupid turn of phrase, clearly. That's what wins over Suralan every time. Forget breaking The Apprentice sales record by getting an order of almost £100,000, what Suralan wants is for candidates to spout nonsense.

You could tell he was won over by Staurt Baggs as soon as he said: "I'm not a one-trick pony, I'm not a 10-trick pony, I'm a whole field of ponies - and they're literally all running towards this job."

How on earth is he still there? I understand that Suralan (yes, I know he's a lord now but he'll always be Suralan to me) sees himself in the young whippersnapper (he's only 21, you know), but keeping him in over excellent candidates like LIz is madness.

Should I have laughed? I did sorry...

The sight of the kids toy stumbling over the fake bridge looked daft...