September 2010 Archives

"You've all worked so hard!" chirruped Elle Macpherson to the three remaining contestants in Britain's Next Top Model.

Come now Elle, you might like to sustain the myth that modelling is hard work, but I beg to differ.

Having your photo taken might sometimes be uncomfortable, but it's not exactly a slog now, is it? Especially when it's happening on a beach, on a paradise island in Malaysia.

Yet still the models whined about it being too hot, about how hard it was to suck your stomach in "so my pelvis breaks in two" (what?!) and getting blisters after all that training....in how to walk.

That's right, how to put one foot in front of the other. Apparently that takes a lot of practice.

They all thought they'd done really well to get down the catwalk without falling over. Round of applause, please.

It gets on my nerves when some reality show contestants moan about how hard they've had to 'work' for the programme. Some really do have to put themselves out a bit, like the contestants on Strictly Come Dancing or MasterChef.

But modelling, how hard is that really? Or, indeed, singing? Surely that's really just a case of remembering the words, yet X Factor wannabes waffle on about all the 'work' they put into their craft.

It's almost as bad as Chris Moyles moaning about how he 'slogs my guts out' for the BBC. Talking and playing records for all of three and a half hours a day is hardly working down a coalmine, is it mate?

Returning to Britain's Next Top Model, I'd like Alisha (pictured) to win. She's not moaned as much as so-not-joyful Joy, she's funny and gorgeous.

How come none of the judges, not even bitchy Julien MacDonald, has mentioned Joy's terrible teeth or Tiffany's weird voice? Both are reasons enough for them not to win.

I will be really interested in the viewing figures for the latest series of 'Millionaire' because quite clearly this is a show on its' last legs.

It's a carcass of a show, a once great slice of entertainment which has run into the ground.

No longer is Chris Tarrant and his gurning tolerable.

I am sick of seeing him grimace like he has sat in something unpleasant.

The great revamp that was meant to save this show clearly hasn't.

I prefer The Cube. A much better show that's high in dramatic tension.

The X Factor has completely lost any power it had to surprise us.

It's always been slick, manipulated and contrived, but this weekend's shows were so predictable.

Even when Simon pretended to throw a strop over the category he'd been given. Come on mate, it's your show, you know exactly who you're going to be mentoring!

We just knew that the people who the cameras have been following will be put through - apart from Chloe Mafia/Victoria/Heald or whatever she's calling herself now.

She was never likely to do well after the revelations of her cocaine-snorting and prostitution, but even judging her on voice skills alone (and ignoring the fact she stayed up all night and forgot the words), I'm amazed she managed to get through the first cut at boot camp.

That was when, rather sinisterly, Simon announced that the 211 contestants would be cut by half. Which was going to be very painful for one person.

Actually he was mathematically incorrect and they ended up with 108, then 36 going through to the judge's houses stage.

This was the moment when the sad music played and the losers sobbed in Dermot's arms.

All this forced, overdone emotion doesn't get to me at all. But I was almost moved to tears by the wonderfully tender version of First Time Ever I Saw Your Face from painter and decorator Matt Cardle.

Listen it here and I defy you not to be moved.

Now that's real talent and real emotion - and the reason why we still keep tuning in to The X Factor. That, and to see what Matt looks like without his hat on.

A major television documentary series about the wonders of the Titanic and featuring magnificent Shugborough Estate, begins next Monday (September 27).

'Titanic: The Mission' follows a team of modern day historians and engineers as they recreate innovations on board The Titanic against the clock.

That's right folks you heard it here first...

Rumour has it that Hurley aka Jorge Garcia has been appearing as Heather's stand in...

Well can you tell them apart?

Let's hope his acting is better...

Amanda Holden has confirmed she will return as a judge on next year's Britain's Got Talent.

She brushed off speculation that she may not appear on the panel amidst a shake-up, labelling the stories "rubbish".

Which means that we can all look forward to seeing her cry, week in and week out when some cutesy kid balances a yo-yo on their foot or warbles their way through a Lady Ga-Ga hit whilst their dog plays saxaphone in the corner.

Can hardly wait, wheel out the cliches and get the waterproof mascara ready Amanda.

Mr Motivator has blasted ITV breakfast show Daybreak, saying it needs "livening up".

He said: "It needs livening up, it needs Motivator in there."

Telly Talk says: No, really. Crawl back under that multi-coloured lycra infested rock that you temporarily sprang out from...

Roland Rat yes, Mr Motivator - no.

I'm really looking forward to the new series of Strictly Come Dancing - it'll take the sting a bit out of Big Brother finishing.

The fun has already started, as I couldn't help laughing at the ridiculous publicity shots the BBC has put out of the celebs.

They have somehow managed to make beautiful women look as frumpy as Ann Widdecombe (who, I think, will be a brilliantly game contestant).

Just look at this pic of Pamela Stephenson, who looks a real dog's dinner. Her outfit is a mess of ruffles, frills, bra straps and sequinned washing up gloves.

Then there's Tina O'Brien, a very pretty former Corrie actress who has been dressed up like she's five years old from below the bust and a cross between Minnie Mouse and Marge Simpson from the neck up.

Finally we have Patsy Kensit, who's gorgeous. But not exactly in this photo, which looks like she's been involved in a nasty explosion at Cadbury World.

Let's just hope they wear better costumes when the series starts. Or maybe not - laughing at what they're wearing is half the fun.

In my humble opinion this BBC 3 programme is undeservedly hidden away in the schedule.

This is without a doubt the best reality style show on TV in years.

The whole concept of taking a bride's biggest day and leaving all of the organizing to the groom is genius.

And it quite often goes horribly wrong.

Yes I feel sorry for the bride when he decides that Black is a good colour for bridesmaids or that marrying in a pub rather than a castle is a good idea.

BUT - it makes for superb viewing.

Love it!