February 2010 Archives

Surely one of the worst jobs in Britain has to be assistant to Michael Winner.

Dinah has my sympathy, though I'd have thought almost any other job - working in McDonalds, sweeping the streets - is infinitely preferable to looking after this temperamental snob.

Not only is she constantly shouted at, but she has to wash his hair in beer. Uggh!

She's forced to run behind him pulling a shopping trolley. Just what's in this mysterious, old-fashioned receptacle?

We discovered this on the new ITV1 series Michael Winner's Dining Stars. He ventured to the North, where people are "incapable of cooking" and provide food that's "absolutely pathetic". Just say what you really think, Michael.

He had his host Justine in tears before he'd even tasted a mouthful.

Then, when told she'd lost 10 stone in a year, he said "you must have been enormous!". Lovely. No wonder she said "He's a charmer, isn't he?".

Actually Michael did show a nicer side, by giving her an award despite hating her food, just because she has two ill children. How patronising.

Now even I admit Bradley Branning was an amiable character, by EastEnders standards even normal.

PHEW! Would you Adam and Eve it, it was Stacey wot done it!

I'm still reeling from the live EastEnders episode, an ambitious project which was, by and large, carried off very well.

I seem to remember that Coronation Street's live episode, to mark their 40th anniversary, was a fairly dull affair. There was some silly story about the cobbles and Noddy Holder appeared, but that was nothing compared to what went on in Albert Square tonight.

We had it all - rows, fights, finger pointing, tears, revelations about rape, Bradley falling off the roof of the Queen Vic and ending up in a squishy heap, and Stacey revealing that she killed Archie.

There was some awful overacting, especially on the parts of Jake Wood (Max Branning) and Scott Maslen (Jack) who were even more Cockney geezer than usual.

Scott in particular really mangled his lines at the beginning, trying to say something about Bradley keeping secrets from the public when he meant the police.
"I'm the only one who knows what he's doing," he said at one point. Err, don't think so!

Lacey Turner was great as Stacey though, and what a way for Charlie Clements to go!

It was a packed episode, both in terms of complicated script, action and stunts, and they pulled most of it off, so well done.

HARRISON FORD famously digs for ancient treasures on-screen as Indiana Jones, and the star has revealed when he's not working he loves to put his feet up in front of the Antiques Roadshow.

The 67-year-old told the Radio Times that the BBC programme in which folk bring in their attic treasures to be valued is one of his favourite shows.
Asked what his favourite TV programmes were, Harrison said: "News or history for us, or Antiques Roadshow."

The star - who's engaged to CALISTA FLOCKHART - also revealed he's a dab hand in the home.

"I am domestic," he said. "I like to clean up. I like to cook."

WAS Peter Kay on a bet to shoehorn the names of as many 1980s acts as he could into tonight's Brit Awards?

Not that I'm complaining, it was good fun. I especially liked the description of Lady GaGa as "New York's answer to Su Pollard", Robbie Williams as "Stoke-on-Trent's answer to Shakin' Stevens" and Kasabian as "Leicester's answer to Aswad".

Generally speaking, it was an entertaining night. Here are my highs and lows.

I LOVED:
Noddy Holder. One of the best presenters of the night. Get him to host it next year. Even better, get him to do it with Alan Carr.

Florence and her harps, and Alicia Keys.

Prince Harry looking hot, and sweet while pulling faces.

Lady GaGa's mad hair.

Robbie. His medley proved why he deserves the Lifetime Contribution award.

I HATED:
Sam Fox. Oh love, you still messed up, didn't you? With her big pauses and fluffing of lines ("rememorable performance"), it was almost as bad as 20 years ago.

All the muted audio. Annoying, and it's not like we can't lipread.

Mel B's scary shaved head.

Winners taking an age to get to the stage.

Kasabian waffling on about omelettes.

Lily Allen's daft ginger wig.

Jonathan Ross trying to be a rapper - not funny, just embarrassing.

Cheryl Cole's terrible miming.

Liam Gallagher. As Peter Kay said, what an idiot.

Rickaaaaay! What on earth has happened to you?

Watching Sid Owen appear on Alan Carr's chat show, I'm rather taken aback by his odd appearance.

His piggy eyes are disappearing into his face and with that overdone fake tan he's as orange as Patsy Palmer's hair.

And let's not even mention his singing voice...

Good show, Alan, but poor research. It's really not a bright idea to offer alcoholic Patsy a drink.

Shoot me now.... Please.

There are times, like tonight, when I think we'll really miss Jonathan Ross when he leaves the BBC.

He was on top form on his chat show, helped by good guests who joined in the fun.

Lorraine Kelly jiggling around on an exercise machine was one of the funniest moments of the week. She can be too cheesy on GMTV when she says everything is lovely, but underneath she's a great, game girl who admits to eating a whole packet of biscuits. Or cramming a whole Terry's Chocolate Orange in her mouth.

Shahrukh Khan was entertaining too, and normally I hate seeing John Barrowman everywhere, but Wossy made his appearance on the sofa bearable by puncturing his ego.

He pointed out how Barrowman hates the spotlight not being on him all the time and called him Woody Woodpecker after his odd laugh.
Shame he let him sing, though even then Jonathan wouldn't let him get too big for his boots, by invading the stage in fancy dress and shaking maracas.

Keep it up Wossy, let's make your last series one to remember!

See how long it takes you to scream....

Jedward have said they'd love to star in the Harry Potter films.

John and Edward Grimes, who found fame through The X Factor, would love nothing more than to appear in the film franchise.

"We love Harry Potter, we can't wait to do all this stuff... Can you imagine us as wizards?" they said on Live From Studio Five.

The twins' quiffs have risen to new heights, garnering more attention than they ever thought possible.

Asked if they would shave their hair off to get to No 1, John said: "We'd give everything a try," but Edward was quick to disagree: "I don't think so!"

The only magic that Telly Talk wants to see associated with Jedward is them disappearing in a poof of smoke!