Marco's just a pantomime villain on Hell's Kitchen

HELL'S bells, what's going on in Hell's Kitchen?

There's so much to talk about, from Claudia Winkleman's piggy eyes to Marco Pierre White's ridiculous sandwich psychology.

I'm a big fan of Claudia's, but I was taken aback by the way she looked. Forgetting her trademark smokey eye liner was a bad move, as was overdoing it on the fake tan, and I wish she'd get her fringe sorted.

She also looks too thin, like she could do with a good meal. Obviously not at Hell's Kitchen, though, as she could be waiting a long time.

Adrian Edmondson had obviously not seen the show, as he was far too smiley to start with, saying "I don't see why we can't have fun in the kitchen". That smile disappeared when he met Marco and burned his hand.

I've taken against smug Grant Bovey already. Mr Anthea Turner talks about himself in the third person and loves being teacher's pet and sucking up to Marco.

Aaah, Marco. What an idiot he is. "I'm a revolutionary," he declared. No you're not, you're a nasty, grumpy old man.

He's become a pantomime villain, looking menacing as he brandishes a knife (though the effect is diluted by the ridiculous scarf on his head) and shouting "I want my asparagus!".

"I haven't got the time or the patience at my age to tolerate fools," he declared. Couldn't agree more, which is why I find you so annoying.