August 2008 Archives

SOME random observations about what's good and bad on the box.

HOT: Sales of tissues and mascara must be booming with the tear-inducing documentaries Who Do You Think You Are? and The Secret Millionaire on screen in the same week. I haven't cried so much at the TV for weeks, not even when Wellard copped it. These are the best kind of reality shows, as they actually have a point and change people's lives.

ROT: Trinny and Susannah bullying, patronising and shouting. How gratifying that they're set to be axed from ITV1 because of falling ratings.

HOT & ROT: Lisa and Sara proving that nice people can win, when they agreed to share Big Brother's £50,000 bonus prize. It was a sweet moment, but all the fuss leading up to the live 'game' made very slow, repetitive viewing. We got the rules the first time, we didn't have to be told three times "to clarify". And then have to watch it all over again the following night.

HOT: The stunning visuals on Britain From Above and the sharp script and cast chemistry of New Tricks.

ROT: Peak time repeats of Midsomer Murders, Agatha Christie's Poirot and the Inspector Lynley Mysteries. Roll on the new season...

HOT: Dexter. Fantastic, layered plot and scripting, brilliant performances, and fans of gorgeous Jaime Murray get to see a lot more of her than they did in Hustle. Michael C. Hall's not bad-looking either. What a shame it's on obscure satellite channel FX.

ROT: Superstars on Five. It started well, but seeing the same contestants and events every week has got really dull. The best bit is the theme tune.

HOT & ROT: The X Factor is becoming too predictable and rehearsed, with contestants plainly being coached in what to say. But that won't stop me watching, at least not while there are still deluded hopefuls, like last week's holiday park singer with the enormous gob and weird deep voice, who really think they are stars.

I also rather like Cheryl Cole - I criticised her appointment to the judging panel, but she's actually got something to say. Now we just need to get rid of Dannii Minogue.

REX and Nicole's relationship in Big Brother is beginning to scare me.

At first they were just annoying, with their constant rows over the smallest things.

But now it's becoming clear just how unhealthy it is.

It was bad enough when Rex complained to his Princess that she'd only ever run him a bath once - what horrors! Most women are happy if their men remember to put the toilet seat down, let alone think of other bathroom activities.

He's also the most paranoid, jealous man ever to appear on Big Brother, reading deeper meanings into everything Nicole says. She couldn't even say she was sorry Stuart got evicted without Rex thinking that was proof she fancied him.

But it was the last straw when he told Nicole exactly what to wear one day, right down to the knickers.

This weird, selfish couple are perfect for each other. Let's hope they stay together so they don't spoil someone else's relationship.

What a shame Rex is the Head of House so he's immune from eviction. Hearing the boos of the crowd might bring him down a peg or two, though I doubt anything can really puncture that swollen head of his.

Except, maybe, locking him in a kitchen with another, even more arrogant, chef. Let's set Gordon Ramsay or Marco Pierre White on him and see if they can reduce him to tears!

NORMALLY I switch my TV off as soon as sport appears. So I have surprised myself by how hooked I have become by the Olympics.

I'm not qualified to comment on the sporting aspect of the games, but I can discuss them from the point of view of two things I know a little more about - their TV entertainment value, and fashion.

Shoes, to be more precise.

Bear with me, because footwear has played a vital role in activities in Beijing. We probably wouldn't have won one of our gold medals without the power of shoes, which should never be underestimated.

Rebecca Adlington became the first British girl to win an Olympic swimming final in 48 years when she won the 400m freestyle. And she revealed that, when she was training, her mother would use the incentive of buying her a new pair of shoes if she won a race.

Apparently she was promised a pair of Jimmy Choos AND Christian Louboutins if she took Olympic gold. That would certainly have made me go faster.

Congratulations, Becky, but I couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for her during the medal ceremony. For someone who obviously takes pride over her appearance, I bet she looks back on the photos in years to come and thinks "I wish they gave us time to dry our hair first". Wet hair, marked from the elastic in those oh-so-flattering hats, is not a good look.

Elsewhere in Beijing, Gabby Logan has taken the fashion medals, sporting some very nice outfits on the Games Today round-up show. Sue Barker, on the other hand, needs to put in some more training in the shops as she's been looking very last season, darling.

I love the way the red button gives viewers so much freedom in what we want to watch, whether it's re-runs of the Games Today or highlights of more obscure sports.

If you're not interested in what they're showing on BBC1, there's bound to be something on somewhere that takes your fancy. Never has the TV coverage of the Olympics been so comprehensive, innovative and entertaining.

I like all the new technological gizmos, like the Stro-motion effect and the green line which travels across the swimming pool to show how far off the world record pace the swimmers are - or in Michael Phelps' case, by how many seconds he is smashing the times.

By the way, playing the Jaws theme tune every time you talk about Phelps is getting very boring, guys.

It must be costing a fortune, but generally the Beeb has excelled itself in its coverage. For once, this is licence fee money well spent.

JUST four weeks left now in Big Brother 9, although the house seems as full as ever.

So who do we want to win? And do we really care?

It's not been a must-see series, but the millions who continue to tune in suggest there's still life in the format.

What's been interesting this time is the uncertainty. There are no obvious winners and the evictions haven't always been predictable - who'd have thought they'd get rid of Luke, one of the more entertaining housemates? At least he had a personality, which is not always evident in some of the remaining contestants.

Stuart and Dale, both up for eviction tonight, seem to have blended into one pretty-boy housemate who is lovely to look at but contributes nothing to the show. Whoever goes, we'll miss that six-pack but will have forgotten all about them by next week.

Big Brother should give us more twists - the heaven and hell divide is getting tired, and there weren't enough funny tasks. Little has beaten the amusement of dressing the housemates up in skintight lycra and sending electric shocks to their posteriors.

Here's my run-down of the housemates and their chances of winning.

REX: I used to find his arrogance quite amusing - at least he had something to say. But sending in his girlfriend has scuppered any hope he had of winning. Nicole has brought out his controlling and selfish side. I don't know what's worse, him smothering her with kisses or their bickering. And he thinks he's Jesus, feeding the 5,000. "I cook for hundreds of people a day," is his constant refrain.

NICOLE: Coming in so late means she doesn't stand a chance of winning, even if she was more likeable and not impossibly high maintenance. Having to do a spot of washing up was "the worst day of my life". No doubt she's terrified at breaking one of her oh-so-trendy orange nails. If she caused so much fuss at being deprived of her make-up and clothes, imagine the tears that would be shed over a manicure catastrophe.

RACHEL: Being nice was Cameron and Anthony's ticket to winning Big Brother, but Rachel is too good to be true. The housemates are too mean to her, but it must be annoying to live with someone who doesn't voice opinions or say anything remotely nasty about anyone. We all like a good bitch now and again.

SARA: There's something strange about her that's hard to put your finger on. Is it because she finds everything "amazing" or the fact she flirts with every man in there?

DARNELL: Prone to temper tantrums, but he's been slowly growing on me. He's funny, articulate and open about his feelings, and his affection (perhaps misguided) for Sara seems real. One of the front runners to win.

LISA: A dark horse who could win it. Mario's early eviction has been the best thing for her, allowing her to shine in her own right. At first I thought there was little more to her than her single, frozen, Botoxed-to-death, facial expression, but she's had a few great comedy moments, like the revelation she's had 10 out of body experiences and has seen little green men. Her bizarre 1980s-style wardrobe is reason enough to keep her in.

KAT: Love her caring nature, hate her singing. I wish we could see more of her "hirarious" side.

MIKEY: He's had a rollercoaster BB ride. First we liked him, then he started moaning. He's back to being more entertaining - his Jabba the Hut impression after eating the red-hot chillies was genius. JUST STOP SHOUTING IN THE DIARY ROOM, Mikey, and you might end up in the top three.

MOHAMED: All credit to him for wearing pink socks and high heels, but that's not enough to make you interesting, Mo. I'm amazed he wasn't evicted last week - he has to go.

TV producers need to understand there's a fine line between increasing the tension on a show and increasing my blood pressure.

I'm beginning to worry about the number of times I've shouted "just get on with it!" at my TV set.

Shane Richie has been one of the worst offenders while hosting Sky One's Don't Forget The Lyrics.

He'll say: "So you think the correct lyrics for Dancing Queen should be 'young and sweet only 17'. Let's see if you're right."
Then he and the contestant will stare at the giant screen for several weeks before the results were revealed.

Stop dragging it out, it's really not entertaining!

Last Choir Standing, good as it is, is also full of too many frustrating pauses while we wait....and wait...and wait...for the results.

And while we're on the subject of petty annoyances, why can't the camera operators on Dragon's Den keep still? Are they all very fidgety or suffering from epilepsy?

I'm sure it never used to be this bad. There was a time when people were filmed in focus and in a shot that lasted longer than five seconds.

But directors obviously thought that was far too boring. So now we get people suddenly going out of focus, or only half their face appearing in the shot. Just when the camera seems to have settled down, it abruptly lurches off to one side or zooms in and out.

Some may call that arty and interesting, I call it annoyingly distracting.

Dragon's Den is not as bad as the shaky hand-held camera work in some shows that induces motion sickness, but it doesn't need these tricks. The cringeworthy pitches, sarcastic responses from Duncan Bannatyne and financial negotiations should be gripping enough without these irksome stunts.

SUMMER is here, which means endless repeats. We should be used to it by now, but it's still annoying for those of us who aren't on holiday or trying to have barbecues in the rain.

Some repeats are welcome chances to see programmes again. But one recent repeat of an episode of Location, Location, Location was particularly ill-advised. Schedules should be ashamed of the bad timing of this episode in the current economic climate.

Channel 4 has a nasty habit of cheating viewers with its property programmes. It announces "brand new" series of shows like Location, Property Ladder, Grand Designs and Relocation, Relocation, throws us half a dozen new episodes if we're lucky, then completes the series with re-runs.

In the case of this series of Location etc, the new episodes were followed by three "revisiting" shows, which are basically repeats with five minutes of catch-up material on the end. Though even that was hardly new, with footage from up to a year ago showing Phil Spencer and Kirstie Allsopp returning to old haunts .

Then, this week, came the worst repeat of all. No revisiting, just a straight forward re-run, though tacked on the end of this "new" series as if it was a current episode.

Which was laughable, as it was evident from the start that this was horribly out of date.

As they house-hunted for two couples in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, Phil and Kirstie kept talking about the huge increases in house prices and how properties were being snapped up in the buoyant market. The buyers would have to move quickly, and put in offers over the asking price, if they wanted to get their hands on these homes.

These words must have sounded hollow and insulting to those trying to sell their house now, who have probably had it on the market for months and had to drastically reduce the price. And it's hardly helpful to people struggling to get a mortgage.

It's just embarrassing for Channel 4 for show this on primetime TV. It makes them look really stupid and deprives viewers of a decent programme.