The Weird and Wonderful World of Records
Sometimes, there's no need for words.
And if the old saying, that a picture can paint a thousand of 'em is true, then less is definitely more, here.
In the first instalment of a regular series, the curtains raise on the Rock & Roll Circus with a quick glance down some of the darker corridors of the music Hall of Fame -
Album covers.
Funny things, album covers.
Lost art form, and all o' that.
But not every recording artist has been lucky enough to have their own little Sgt Pepper to show off after a hard day at the studio.
Some, rather than pieces of artwork, are just plain...weird.
So with that in mind, here we begin an ongoing, thankless, and ultimately pointless quest to find, once and for all:
The Worst Records Cover of All Time
1 - 
And kicking us off in true style is THIS. Meet Ken. Available, apparently, 'By Request Only'. Which is not likely to be very often. The confident Ken we see in the photograph on the right is expertly balanced with the desperate, manic stare and stalker-like expression of the photograph on the left. More accurately described with, on the right, 'Chatroom' Ken and, on the left, 'Shouldn't Have Agreed to Meet Him Outside of the Chatroom' Ken. Careful, ladies, Our Ken's a passionate man. Request him at your peril.
2 - 
A record I discovered on the same day as the Ministry of Defence released a stash of new X-Files, and just as disappointing to look at. Don't worry; it isn't really an alien lifeform, come to destroy us all. It is of course everyone's favourite futuristic pensioner in a spandex suit, Ray Walston, and his almost terrifying depiction of life as a Martian. Proof positive that euthanasia is not such a bad thing, after all.
3 - 
In the days before Care in the Community, mad women were allowed to document their mental decline via records, apparently. Here Geraldine, with a little help from her sinister wooden husband Ricky, tries to convince us that the trees are telling her things. Like the bad things Ricky tells her to do with fire.
4 - 
Ladies and gentlefolk, meet 'Winners'. Not sure what kind of competition involves looking like that, but well done to them for winning anyway, and I'm sure they deserve it. Staring at the photograph suggests another name for the boys, that still begins with a 'W' and ends with an 'S'.
5 - 
Haven't heard this one, but clearly the most depressing disc in the history of recorded music. Perhaps Freddie's friends dropped like flies after striking up a friendship with him. Perhaps he's telling us the truth, and his friends are actually corpses. Either way Freddie needs to ask himself a few questions - or the police do.
NEXT TIME! ...More Worst Record Covers of All Time...Records You Should Own...spotlights and features on classic bands, comedy features and biographies, reviews and more!
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Mike Bradley - Michael Bradley has been a journalist for five years. His features on music and comedy have been featured on the websites of music and comedy magazines, Mojo and Chortle. He has collected/archived records and british comedy for more than twenty years, but doesn't like to say so because it makes him feel old. He's 33, but doesn't look a day over 32
Well they are truly fantastic, I just wish I had the chance to listen to them all. Perhaps with a shotgun and one of those mechanical slings that shoot clay pigeons into the air for people in green jackets and flat caps to shoot at.
Here's another great cover for you:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v295/Hathery/letmetouch.jpg
Thanks for the comments, Paul J Nicholls, and for the rather frightening image you've provided. It now has pride of place in the Rock & Roll Circus Hall of Shame..it's quite frightening isn't it, that we live in a world where people can come up with ideas for record covers like this, and at no point does anyone around them say: "No, hang on, this is wrong"!