Recently by Paul Cole

BARMY Midlands council chiefs are giving tips on playing squash - to the blind.

New health and safety signs have been installed inside Halesowen Leisure Centre at a cost of £5,300 to help centre-users find their way around.

The wording is written in Braille, and appears in the squash courts area, where advice is given on acceptable sports shoes and on-court safety.

Dudley Council, which owns the leisure centre, defended the decision to give tips to non-existent blind squash players.

As well as Braille signs indicating the location of the squash courts, there are notices on the doors saying that black-soled shoes must not be worn on the courts to stop the wooden floors becoming marked.

They also say: "Knock and wait" - to prevent people walking on to court when a match is in progress, which would be extremely dangerous.

A new politically-correct language guide tells council staff not to use the phrase "man on the street" - in case it causes offence to women.

The term is based on the assumption that the world is male, according to the booklet which suggests "general public" as an alternative.

But Chichester District Council's advice - which also says "manning the switchboard" and calling women "ladies" or "girls" is sexist - has been deemed "stupid" by a local parish chairman.

Tony Colpoys, of Ebernoe, West Sussex, said: "It really gets my goat. Nobody believes 'man on the street' refers solely to men. This is just another example of repulsive political correctness."

Organisers of the River Rother raft race have vowed not to let health and safety red tape strangle this year's charity event.

The race has been run for 26 years over a four-mile course from Cowdray Ruins, Midhurst, on the Sunday of the August bank holiday weekend.

Its records show that a wasp sting has been the only incident ever requiring hospital treatment.

But the event is now threatened by a string of health and safety requirements.

Robin Shapland, who has been organising the charity race for the past 16 years, declared: "After 26 years of the race which, as its record shows, we always do all we can to make safe, I find this a bit much.

"Where events have a capacity of 500 people, an event safety plan is now required. But we don't get anything like 500 competitors and at the start and finish we might get 300 people.

"How do we know how many spectators there might be when anyone who is in the area might decide to go and take a look at what is going on somewhere along four miles of the river? There may be 500 people, but they are all spread out."

The race is being run this year to raise money for three main charities - Macmillan Cancer Support, the Rosemary Foundation and Chestnut Tree Hospice for Children. Small donations are also given to local charities. Last year's race raised £10,800 for the chosen good causes.

The health and safety guidelines Mr Shapland has to work to include 'a hierarchical structure of safety responsibility', an emergency plan, a communications plan, and an event risk assessment which he does not have the experience to carry out.

The hierarchical structure should be interesting because he runs the race with his pal - so that's all of two people to pass the buck between.

"Also, someone usually lends us a generator to power the public address system at the start, but now we can't have one unless it has a safety certificate. To get that we are going to have to hire a generator which will cost about £50 and that's money that could have gone to charity."

* Robin would be delighted to hear from anyone with experience in completing risk assessments who would be prepared to help him out of the dilemma. Call him on 07850 309955.

A museum has reversed its decision to cover up its Egyptian mummies in response to public opinion.

Manchester Museum covered up three unwrapped mummies on display, sparking accusations of political correctness, two months ago.

The cover-up was part of a consultation on how the mummies will be displayed when the museum's ancient Egypt gallery is redeveloped.

Nick Merriman, museum director, now says one of the mummies will be left partially unwrapped in its original display state, while another will be partially covered, leaving its head, hands and feet exposed.

The decision to reveal more of the mummies came following a meeting of the Museum's Human Remains Panel.

A museum spokeswoman said further onsultation will run for 12 months and a number of different display methods will be tried.

Not often that we can bring you news of victory.

But at last the clowns at the European Commission have voted to scrap the nonsense laws that dictate the exact shape, colour and size of our vegetables.

Our cucumbers will once more be curvy, our carrots rough and bananas bendier.

Worried by the credit crunch, high price of food and unnecessary wastage, EC bosses are set to reform the loopy legislation.

In case you forgot, here's one they made earlier:

"The thickness of the transverse section of the banana between the lateral faces and the middle, perpendicular to the longitudinal axis must be a minimum of 27mm ..."

Bananas!

I see they're planning to repeal the old laws that prohibit lunatics and idiots standing for parliament.

The law describes lunatics as people "only capable of periods of lucidity" and idiots as those "incapable of gaining reason".

Well, those laws have done a fat lot of good, then.

Seems to me that Parliament is filled with the very people the legislation sought to ban.

The use of the word "chav" shows a deep hatred of the working class and should be stamped out, according to a politically correct think-tank.

Tom Hampson, editorial director of the Fabian Society, says that the word is "sneering and patronising" but more and more widely used.

He has called on broadcasters to take class discrimination seriously, and compares 'chav' to terms of abuse such as "faggot" and "pikey".

In an article to be published in the Fabian Review, Mr Hampson says: "Some uses of some words fall below the threshold of acceptability and some are definitely above it.

"'Chav' is way above that threshold.

"It is deeply offensive to a largely voiceless group and - especially when used in normal middle-class conversation or on national TV - it betrays a deep and revealing level of class hatred."

He continues: "It is sneering and patronising and - perhaps most dangerous - it is distancing, turning the 'chav' into the kind of feral beast that exists only in tabloid headlines."

So that's that then, innit?

Gay gamers are pink with rage after Microsoft banned camp nicknames from its Xbox multiplayer service.

Censors have told users of its Xbox LIVE subscription service that names or tags with the word "gay" in them are no longer allowed, in case they cause offence.

The ban also covers straight people with the word "gay" in their surname.

Software engineer Richard Gaywood, 30, was told his name broke rules concerning "sexual innuendo" and was ordered to choose another tag.

Police sniffer dogs will soon have to wear bootees when searching the homes of Muslims, so as not to cause offence.

The Association of Chief Police Officers is drawing up politically-correct pooch guidelines because of increasing religious sensitivities.

It means that the specially trained sniffer dogs must boot up before searching for drugs and explosives.

Last week Tayside Police had to apologise after a Muslim councillor objected to a crime prevention poster featuring a German shepherd puppy.

In Islamic law although dogs are not regarded as impure, their saliva is.

FRONT line cops in the Midlands are being given health and safety tips on how to batter down doors.

The advice has bemused experienced police officers, who say the technique is simple: hit 'em as hard as you can.

But health and safety penpushers with West Midlands Police, who never go on raids, beg to differ.

They have drawn up a list of tips for the task, calling for cops to "deploy dynamic risk assessments and consider the safety of themselves and others" before breaking down doors.

The health and safety guidelines also encourage officers to use arm guards, mitts, helmets, strong boots, protective vests, shin guards, thigh protectors and genital protective boxes ('for male users').