Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' Englandexpects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting '
England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
............ full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy. 

GOVERNMENT bureaucrats have banned calling teenage troublemakers "youths", to avoid causing them any offence.

Politically-correct officials are insisting they must instead be called "young persons".

The order was made in a code of practice issued by the Ministry of Justice and the Department for Children, Schools and Families on how to give out conditional cautions.

It reads: "A number of responses suggested the term 'youth' had negative connotations and should be replaced by 'young person'.

"Therefore throughout the code (with the exception of the term 'Youth Conditional Caution') 'youth' has been replaced."

The move has sparked anger among opposition MPs, who are accusing Labour of being too soft on young criminals.

BBC health and safety rules were branded "absurd" today after an intrepid explorer and a round-the-world sailor were not trusted to light a camping stove.

While filming an adventure show for the corporation, Sir Ranulph Fiennes and Sir Robin Knox-Johnston were stopped from firing up the stove unsupervised in case they had an accident, it was claimed.

Sir Ranulph, Sir Robin and war reporter John Simpson, who featured alongside them, were said to have been taken aback by the corporation's strict regulations while filming BBC 2 series Top Dogs.

They were given a "huge" document warning them about hazards such as tripping over while filming in Afghanistan, Cape Horn and the Canadian Arctic, Sir Robin said.

He told the Daily Mail: "Ran and I were told we could not light a Primus stove unless we were supervised. So that's the kind of nonsense you get.

"This young man came in and said he was going to supervise and we told him to clear off. Or words to that effect."

Sir Robin, who was was the first man to sail single-handed and non-stop around the globe, added: "It was just absurd. What do you think we cook on in boats?"

A Government-backed teacher training scheme suggests that teachers should "high-five" failing students to improve their exam results.

Establishing a good personal relationship with pupils is necessary for teachers to develop a mutual respect in the classrooms of struggling inner-city schools, a speaker from Future Leaders told a teacher training scheme.

Sir Iain Hall, Future Leaders' national director of training, said: "When your children come into the classroom, how do you greet them?

"Whether it is a high-five, it is touching a child's hand, it is shaking their hands - we teach our Future Leaders to stand at the classroom door and greet every kid who comes through it.

"It's about establishing positive relationships all the time, shaking the hands of kids that go past, giving those high-fives."

Nick Seaton, chairman of the Campaign for Real Education, was not convinced Sir Iain's methods would work in UK schools.

He said: "Teachers will become figures of ridicule - pupils hate it when their teachers try to be young. It's the pupils who should try to be like the teachers.

"To establish discipline in schools, teachers shouldn't reward normal behaviour, they should punish bad behaviour so pupils understand the concept of consequence.

"There's a cultural difference between the UK and America and I don't think they have a great deal to teach us in this particular area."

SANTA has been sacked by his scrooge bosses - for answering his mobile phone in the grotto.

Hapless Father Christmas, otherwise known as Mike O'Donagh, 53, was sacked from his jovial job at Chelmsley Wood shopping centre.

Because he answered a call from the Jobcentre about his benefits.

The dad-of-two, of Moseley, Birmingham, has now been left jobless in the run-up to the festive season.

Poor Mike insists he was only answering his phone because it was a vital call about his dole money.

"I can't believe how Scrooge-like they've been," he said.

SECURITY guards have kicked three elderly British Legion poppy selllers out of a shopping centre.

World War Two Royal Navy veteran Leslie Downard, 80, his wife Phyllis, 76, and former TA soldier Joan Anderson, 78, were shaken when confronted by the guards.

They claimed, falsely, the three only had the right to collect in the Eden Centre, in High Wycombe, Bucks, for four days and not the 14 they intended.

Nick Warren, marketing manager for the centre, said the ban was imposed because the guards did not think the sellers had charity licences to operate for two weeks.
He said: "It was a complete misunderstanding. I can only apologise."

BARMY Midlands council chiefs are giving tips on playing squash - to the blind.

New health and safety signs have been installed inside Halesowen Leisure Centre at a cost of £5,300 to help centre-users find their way around.

The wording is written in Braille, and appears in the squash courts area, where advice is given on acceptable sports shoes and on-court safety.

Dudley Council, which owns the leisure centre, defended the decision to give tips to non-existent blind squash players.

As well as Braille signs indicating the location of the squash courts, there are notices on the doors saying that black-soled shoes must not be worn on the courts to stop the wooden floors becoming marked.

They also say: "Knock and wait" - to prevent people walking on to court when a match is in progress, which would be extremely dangerous.

A new politically-correct language guide tells council staff not to use the phrase "man on the street" - in case it causes offence to women.

The term is based on the assumption that the world is male, according to the booklet which suggests "general public" as an alternative.

But Chichester District Council's advice - which also says "manning the switchboard" and calling women "ladies" or "girls" is sexist - has been deemed "stupid" by a local parish chairman.

Tony Colpoys, of Ebernoe, West Sussex, said: "It really gets my goat. Nobody believes 'man on the street' refers solely to men. This is just another example of repulsive political correctness."

Organisers of the River Rother raft race have vowed not to let health and safety red tape strangle this year's charity event.

The race has been run for 26 years over a four-mile course from Cowdray Ruins, Midhurst, on the Sunday of the August bank holiday weekend.

Its records show that a wasp sting has been the only incident ever requiring hospital treatment.

But the event is now threatened by a string of health and safety requirements.

Robin Shapland, who has been organising the charity race for the past 16 years, declared: "After 26 years of the race which, as its record shows, we always do all we can to make safe, I find this a bit much.

"Where events have a capacity of 500 people, an event safety plan is now required. But we don't get anything like 500 competitors and at the start and finish we might get 300 people.

"How do we know how many spectators there might be when anyone who is in the area might decide to go and take a look at what is going on somewhere along four miles of the river? There may be 500 people, but they are all spread out."

The race is being run this year to raise money for three main charities - Macmillan Cancer Support, the Rosemary Foundation and Chestnut Tree Hospice for Children. Small donations are also given to local charities. Last year's race raised £10,800 for the chosen good causes.

The health and safety guidelines Mr Shapland has to work to include 'a hierarchical structure of safety responsibility', an emergency plan, a communications plan, and an event risk assessment which he does not have the experience to carry out.

The hierarchical structure should be interesting because he runs the race with his pal - so that's all of two people to pass the buck between.

"Also, someone usually lends us a generator to power the public address system at the start, but now we can't have one unless it has a safety certificate. To get that we are going to have to hire a generator which will cost about £50 and that's money that could have gone to charity."

* Robin would be delighted to hear from anyone with experience in completing risk assessments who would be prepared to help him out of the dilemma. Call him on 07850 309955.

Humberside Police has been criticised for taking officers off frontline duties in a crime-ridden neighbourhood to send them on ... sex-change training.

The move is in response to one of their colleagues undergoing treatment to change from a 42-year-old married man into a woman called Lauren.

Senior officers say it constitutes "political correctness gone mad" to have staff on anti-discrimination training when they could be out on the beat.

Some 510 staff , including 344 police officers, working for Humberside Police in North East Lincolnshire received a letter from the chief superintendent saying they had to attend the half-day training course to help PC Lauren's transition.

The training is likely to cost thousands of pounds but could help to protect the force from a potentially embarrassing lawsuit if PC Lauren were to experience discrimination.

Kevin Sharp explained in his letter that she suffered from gender identity dysphoria, which left her feeling like a woman trapped in a man's body.

"As from today, Lauren starts her new life and over the next few weeks you will receive awareness training during which you will be able to read a personal letter from Lauren," he said.

Humberside Police's A Division covers Grimsby and the surrounding area in North-East Lincolnshire, which according to the force website suffers from a "disproportionately high level of crime and disorder".

Nearly 30 per cent of residents live in 10 per cent of the most deprived boroughs in England, and last year police recorded in excess of 27,000 crimes there - a third more than the average.