The parent trap

By Paul Flower on Apr 16, 09 06:08 PM

Are any of us ever qualified to take on the responsibility of parenthood? We all think we're experienced, generally having had parents ourselves, but it seems to be one of those life-roles that can only be fully understood by entering the arena, at which point it's too late to find out that you may not be any good at it.

I went into parenthood rationally, planned to coincide with an age when I thought I'd be up to the job. Now I'm not so sure. My 10 yr-old-son already rejects my advice on how he should play football - and I'm the team's manager. Given that he's scored 19 goals this season and I never scored in four seasons of competitive matches, maybe he has the right idea. I just wish I could remember the exact age at which they both stopped listening, when did I cease to have an influence?

My daughter is on the cusp of being a teen. She still has five months to reach that milestone but has been building up to the role for the past two years. I definitely don't feel qualified to cope with it. I fear that all I can do is dig my trench and stand-by for all- out warfare; it looks like being a war of attrition.

It may be ironic that they're now reaching a stage where I feel like I can offer some guidance, some real life-lessons from a period of life I can almost remember. Now I can do the job, I'm prevented from doing so. Hence I can only write about it.

What would you really want your kids to know about life, without resorting to clichÃÂ©? What would you tell them if you thought they would listen? How can you put these things in a simplified form that doesn't take on the patronising or mawkish tone of a greetings card? At risk of compromising all of the above I started to compile a list:

Life isn't learned, or lived, in a day but there's some benefit in living each one as if it is special.

You'll never know everything but you can learn new things every day.

A little self-belief can go a long way, too much is simply annoying.

Self-love is better than self-harm.

Unless you can see blood, it's never as bad as it seems.

Not everything, or everyone, is what it or they seem.

The drugs don't work, for long.

With most things the cost outweighs the benefits by far.

Most actions have related consequences.

Keeping your counsel is better than losing your head.

You can't resolve every argument, and you certainly can't win them all.

The last word isn't always the most important one.

Your parents are always right, particularly when they say you'll eventually become them.

I have no doubt that I could've continued this list, perhaps you'll add some. In the interim read this essential guide for parents on how to survive the teenage years, written by a war veteran, or generally someone more qualified than me.

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