Queen to Address Nation About Sport

Awesome!

It has always been a bit of a tradition in our household to watch the Queen’s speech, mostly because we have a very strong armed forces background, but also due to the fact that by 3pm on Christmas day, we have all stuffed ourselves so full of turkey, sprouts and pigs in blankets, that none of us can be arsed to actually move a finger to change the TV channel

.my mum never let us watch ITV

.it’s too common don’t you know, I mean it has adverts!

Anyway, imagine my surprise this year, when instead of the usual non important stuff that Queen talks about, you know, the government, healthcare, family or social issues, or indeed the conflicts taking place in the world, she has said she is going to be basing her speech around sport!

Now I know a lot of you are probably expecting the Queen to focus on the Olympics, and other major sporting issues that affect this great nation, but I’ve managed to get a sneaky peek at the speech in question, and well I am glad to see that Her Majesty is actually going to be addressing the truly important factors that affect sport today.

First on her agenda is Snoods, you know, those god-awful scarf things that footballers wear. HRH is so upset by these, she has said any player spotting wearing one will be immediately locked up in the Tower, and by the end of the week will have their head on a spike.........although they will have the option to wear the snood once the head is placed on said metal protrusion, as you wouldn’t want them to catch a chill would you.

She also states that due to the lack of integrity of footballers now show, with all of the diving, cheating etc, that football is to be scrapped as our national sport, and indeed Darts will take its place, quite simply because 20 stone men who drink 20 pints a day, smoke like troopers and look like they haven't seen daylight in 40 years, are still better role models to our kids today than say, Joey Barton.

Secondly, she is reportedly very upset by our cricketers down under at the moment, no not because of their lacklustre loss on the last test match, it has more to do with the lack of Moustaches on display, KP aside (although his does always look more like Baldricks slug balancing act in Blackadder than a proper tash), England have shown a veritable lack of facial hair, and one is not amused.

Everyone knows that to be great at cricket you need a few good tashes around, I mean hark back to the days of Gooch, Boon, Robin Smith, and of course the doyen of the handlebar, Merv Hughes. That was when men were men, and facial hair said something about who you were..........mostly that you liked to keep your upper lip warm to be fair......but also because it’s a sign of a real man...or just one without a girlfriend/razor.

She also shows dismay at the reports in the media of all this sledging, she addresses this by saying, sledging has always been around, you should see the stick I give Harry and Wills when they get caught out at Silly Short Leg in ones back garden.

Addressing the World of Pugilism, she hails David Haye, Amir Khan and Carl Froch as giants in the sport, and fighters we can be truly proud of and she gives a polite mention to Audley Harrison............well everyone needs a laugh at Christmas!

The Olympics should prove to be a real showcase of not only our great nation, but our sporting prowess too, especially because the world class athletes will struggle to adjust to the conditions of living in East London, not due to altitude, humidity, or even the pressure of the media, no, mostly because of the nonstop diet of jellied eels and Chas & Dave they will be served every ten minutes.

Finally in regards to rugby, my beloved fave sport, she simply says she is looking forward to the World Cup next year..................because she rather likes the sight of men in Lycra.............and Phillip just can’t pull it off any more, but if she spots anyone trying anything like the Bloodgate saga of last year, she will give them a whopping clip round the ear...................hopefully not drawing any blood.

Anyway, it’s Blooming Christmas Eve!! May you all have an awesome time, and bring on 2011!