Entries from Sunday Mercury - Mr Dale's Diary tagged with 'humour'
P**ssed as a newt
A teacher had a five-year-old come up to her and say that he had found a frog. The teacher asked: "Is the frog alive or dead?" The student replied: "It's dead." The teacher asked: "How do you know for...
Out of the mouths of babes
Little Johnny's reception class were on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if...
This one certainly adds up
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you £200," the teacher began," and you gave £50 to Mary, £50 to Sally and £50 to Susan, what would you have?"...
Absolute genius
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says: "I usually only...
The university of life
On the first day of university, the Chancellor addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. "Anybody caught breaking this rule...
A drink a day keeps the wildlife away
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his Year 5 class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the...
Penny Lane [Parental Guidance Advised]
A teacher in a high school class was administering a test, and she noticed that four pupils were missing. The first one came in. "Why are you so late?" the teacher said to him. "Sorry, miss," he said. "I've been...
Another fine mess ...
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: 'Parking Fine'. That was nice of them....
Ice scream
Our local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself....
They seek him here, they seek him there ...
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. But I couldn't find any ......
Rare humour
I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 quid he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No way, the steaks are too high."...
Bet you look skate on the dancefloor
I went to a seafood disco last week. Pulled a mussel....
High humour
Inner city Birmingham phone switchboard message: "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."...
It's a fair cop
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off....
I'll be up in court for this one
What do you call a judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers....
This one will be well red
One morning there was a little red man who got out of his little red bed and went up his little red stairs into his little red shower. He got his little red soap and washed his little red body....
A bad joke about race
What happened when a dog, a tap and a tomato had a race? The dog was in the lead, the tap kept on running and the tomato couldn't ketchup....
One to chew over
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? "Does this taste funny to you?"...
Here's an old one that keeps coming back
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick....
Bunnier still
How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way, unique up on it!...
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