July 2008 Archives

A husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.

The hitman says: "I will shoot her just under the left breast".

Husband replies: "I want her dead, not bloody knee-capped!"

A new drug craze has been found in clubs in the north of England.

Ecstasy tabs are being injected directly into the mouth.

It's called Eee by gum ...

What bird has got long legs and can't fly?

Naomi Campbell

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a lettuce stuck up my bum!"

MEDIC: "I'm afraid that's just the tip of the iceberg."

I went to the local video shop and asked: "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"

The bloke behind the counter shook his head, saying: "He's not your type."

"Can I borrow Batman Forever?" I asked instead.

"No," he said. "You'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

"How flexible are you?" asked trainer.

"I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays," I replied.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar".

I said: "Well I've been on telly, but I'm no Brad PItt.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.

I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.

I was so shocked I swerved the car.

He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher, and I swerved again.

He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.

The police came and asked me what had happened.

"I careered off the road"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate.

"Nearest the bull goes first," he suggested.

He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"

"You're closest," he admitted sheepishly.