A woman stands in the nude looking in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband: "I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies: "Your eyesight's good!"

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife he'd lost their entire fortune and they'd have to drastically alter their lifestyle.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

Q. Why is President Obama bulldozing the Rose Garden?

A. He doesn't want any Bushes at the White House.

How do you have a party in outer space?

You plan-et.

How did the artist paint a picture?

Easel-y.

What happens when two snails fight?

They slug it out.

I used to be really indecisive.

But now I'm not so sure ...

I used to be apathetic.

But now I don't really care.

Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil?

Never mind. It had no point.

Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?

A: Mustard. (It's good for hot dogs.)