Recently by Lorne Jackson
POOR Lady Gaga! My heart goes out to the platinum-album selling, serial award-winning, multi-millionaire pop star.
She just isn't getting the attention she deserves.Park.
THE Road To Coronation Street, shown on Thursday, was a drama about the creation of Coronation Street fifty years ago.
The one-off programme - made for the BBC - highlighted how Corrie's creator, Tony Warren, fought hard to make sure the actors in his show came from the same Northern streets where his programme was set.
It was a key reason why Corrie became such a hit for ITV.
And did the BBC follow Warren's maxim? Not a bit of it. The Road To Coronation Street starred Jessie Wallace... from EastEnders.
At least they didn't have Danny Dyer playing Hilda Ogden.
ONCE upon a time. Once. Upon. A. Time.
Wilson Burke had no truck with those four words. Even as a child he knew fiction was foolish. Pointy-hat wizards? Pointless. Newspapers were better than make-believe. Articles about missing children and grieving mothers amused Wilson. All that hand-wringing! The boo-bloody-hoo brigade.
Showbiz scandal was best. Football scrappers and mini-skirt slappers - bring it on, and bring 'em down!."
THE main problem with the Cameron Clegg alliance is that the partnership pulses with so much comic potential that all my smarty-pants ideas for lampooning the two leaders in today's Mercury have already been used up.
CAN it be true? Brazil are such an amazing footballing nation, blessed with layers of ball-belting talent, that they can afford to leave two-time World Player of the Year, Ronaldinho out of their World Cup Squad.
Being a Scot, I can proudly reveal my country has gone one better.
We've left all our players out of the squad for this summer's competition.
Meanwhile, England hopes to host the 2018 World Cup.
Isn't the country broke?
Guess this means that if the Government wants to pay for the expensive shindig, they better get round to Oxfam, fast, and stock up on old jumpers for goalposts.
I know Labour are on the verge of a drubbing, the cusp of a trouncing, the margin of a mauling... but did Gordon Brown really have to start cheating in the election?
Yesterday the PM made a great speech, and that's just not allowed.
The rules of the game state clearly that Brown has to be dull and heavy going - an inarticulate lorry.
Then he goes and spoils it all at the Citizens UK conference by being a feisty firebrand,
a proper Old Labour orator, stirring up the crowds, being all charismatic and passionate.
Lucky he didn't try that a couple of weeks ago, or he might have accidentally won the election, and then what would David Cameron have done? With the recession starting to bite like a Rottweiler's jaws on a postman's skinny ankle, Dave would have struggled to get any sort of decent employment.
It's not as if the doors to the boardrooms of industry and commerce magically swing open for Old Etonians, is it?
When there's a General Election round the corner I usually get sick to death of the TV coverage pretty darned fast, and become anxious to see something - anything! - else reported on the news.
Not this year.
THERE are many reasons why men embrace marriage.
Cuddles on tap. An excuse to purchase a Pringle pullover, plus a stack of those Golf magazines that pile up in dental waiting rooms. The married man can also move to the 'burbs, vote Conservative with pride and start seriously considering where the kids should be schooled. (Top tip: Don't pick the school where the janitor wears a clown costume, carries a paper bag packed with sticky sweets in one hand... and a child-sized tadpole net in the other.)
But there's one crucial reason for missing out on all that marital bliss.
THE allocation of work is pretty fair in my gaff - everything is split fifty-fifty.
I hoover the carpets, cook the meals, dust the furniture, wash the dishes, polish the cutlery, delouse the pets, scrub the decks, splice the main sail...
And dance the sailor's hornpipe.
Meanwhile, the wife chooses which reality programmes to watch.
At the moment it's X-Factor rather than Strictly Come Dancing. A great shame for me, because from what I've spotted on Strictly websites, the women's costumes are skimpier than ever this year.
Clearly the credit crunch has hit undercrackers at last.
Of course, the dresses worn for this 'family show' have always been sparser than a 14-your-old lad's moustache. In the last series, the typical frock didn't even contain enough material to string Dennis The Menace's catapult.
This year, there's not enough material to string the catapult of Dennis's arch nemesis, Walter The Softy.
And, just in case you haven't studied your Beano recently, let me remind you that Walter is a well-behaved little chap.
Who doesn't own a catapult...
Let's just hope X-Factor goes the same way as Strictly, with a hefty helping of erotic teasing.
Although the thought of Simon Cowell trussed up in a thong, then basted in Lurpak isn't exactly appetising...
Congratulations Bob Dylan!
Together Through Life, the latest studio album from the 60's legend, is the first major collection of his songs to reach the top of the charts since 1970's New Morning.