X-Factor needs to be more erotic like Strictly Come Dancing!

THE allocation of work is pretty fair in my gaff - everything is split fifty-fifty.

I hoover the carpets, cook the meals, dust the furniture, wash the dishes, polish the cutlery, delouse the pets, scrub the decks, splice the main sail...

And dance the sailor's hornpipe.

Meanwhile, the wife chooses which reality programmes to watch.

At the moment it's X-Factor rather than Strictly Come Dancing. A great shame for me, because from what I've spotted on Strictly websites, the women's costumes are skimpier than ever this year.

Clearly the credit crunch has hit undercrackers at last.

Of course, the dresses worn for this 'family show' have always been sparser than a 14-your-old lad's moustache. In the last series, the typical frock didn't even contain enough material to string Dennis The Menace's catapult.

This year, there's not enough material to string the catapult of Dennis's arch nemesis, Walter The Softy.

And, just in case you haven't studied your Beano recently, let me remind you that Walter is a well-behaved little chap.

Who doesn't own a catapult...

Let's just hope X-Factor goes the same way as Strictly, with a hefty helping of erotic teasing.

Although the thought of Simon Cowell trussed up in a thong, then basted in Lurpak isn't exactly appetising...