Work is wonderful, even if you hate the boss

1. The brrr! brrrr! British weather

In the UK, the rain's got a bigger starring role than Robert De Niro in a movie about gun-toting Italian Americans.

Bumming round the office for eight hours is cheaper than buying an umbrella and galoshes.

OK, it's true that as a lotto millionaire, you can buy all the umbrellas and galoshes you'll ever need.

But with no city-centre desk to hunker behind, you'll also spend oodles more time at home, grilling cheese on toast, watching Loose Women and trying to figure out which one of them ISN'T a transvestite, thus piling pounds on to an already exorbitant electricity bill.

Meaning your mega-millions would be pilfered by Scottish Power within weeks.

2. Office romances

Being trapped in a stuffy, dull environment will certainly get those love juices flowing.

And since most offices are badly lit, you won't realise how pug-ugly your fellow employees are.

Better yet, they won't be able to spot YOUR acne/eye-bags/nasal hairs/double-chins/green teeth.

Then, when Christmas party time comes round, you'll be ready for some X-rated ecstasy.

Even if that only means poking your rude bits in the fax machine's most convenient orifice.

3. Excuses, excuses

Not having a tedious job would allow you to follow your dreams.

And that would never do.

The crummy nine-to-five is the perfect excuse for failing to write that novel, top the charts, run for office, star in the latest Stephen Spielberg blockbuster or own your own string of brothels in South America.

With no daily grind to "hold you back", you'd have to admit that you're too lazy and untalented to fulfil all those precious ambitions.

In fact, the only way you'll ever reach for the stars is by using an extremely adaptable stepladder.

4. Be dynamic

Which means getting in early, before everyone else arrives.

Not to complete paperwork - that's just boring.

But you will have time to swap your chair with the one used by the girl next to you.

It's much comfier than your ancient hunk of office furniture, with its porcupine padding making it impossible to enjoy an afternoon snooze.

You'll also be able to swipe the mouse from the bloke opposite, as you've already busted your third one this month.

But don't be hasty!

Remember to pick off his name, first. The cunning swine has branded the base with Tippex.

Then, finally, you'll still have half an hour left to steal twenty quid's worth of stationery.

That'll teach those ingrates for not paying you enough dosh. Don't they realise you're invaluable round here!

5. Feel good about yourself

Let's admit it - work is empowering. Labour is ennobling.

Retaining a job allows you to hold your head up high, straighten your back and take pride in your resolute character.

And why do you feel so good about yourself?

'Cos at least you're not as big an a***hole as your boss.

In fact, the more you think about it, NOBODY on the planet is as big an a***hole as your boss.

Although, on further consideration, you realise that's not true.

Your boss's boss is a much bigger a***hole.

While your boss's boss's boss is the biggest a***hole of all.

Such a big a***hole, in fact that he doesn't even warrant those blush-avoiding asterisks that appear after the 'a' and before the 'hole'.

But don't fool yourself into believing that your boss isn't doing a good job, just because he's bumbling, arrogant and incompetent.

Behaving as he does gives you plenty of incentive to work hard then nab his exalted position from under his nose.

Then it's time for you to achieve even higher levels of bumbling, arrogant incompetence.

So there you have it.

The next time you're griping about your dull office job, remember, it's not so bad.

You could be labouring down a coal mine, after all.

And there's no office stationery to nick down there.