The shocking truth about me and Kate Lawler

By Lorne Jackson on Aug 16, 08 09:44 AM

So what exactly happened to my life?

I'm sure I used to have one, but I must have misplaced it somewhere.

Maybe behind the sofa, I've not dusted there for ages.

Ditchwater may be dull, but, next to the mire that is my miserable existence, it seems like Evian spring water.

I didn't realise what a saddo I was until I scanned the blog of fellow Mercury minion, Kate Lawler.

Boy, does she know how to have a whole lot of fun!

And she's got the exclamation marks at the end of every sizzling sentence to prove it.

Read on to see how our lives compare.

Excerpt from Kate's bangin' blog!

I guess I'm over-tired - the last two weeks summed up in one word would be 'Hectic!'

Lorne's soporific slog

I guess I'm over-tired. This always happens when I watch back-to-back episodes of my favourite Emmerdale box set.

Chomping eleven family-sized bags of Cheesy Wotsits hasn't helped, either.

The last two weeks summed up in one word would be 'Heck'.

Kate's bangin' blog!

Then I flew to Spain for the weekend to DJ, and see my good friends who live there.

Lorne's soporific slog

Hung around my flat for the weekend, where I:

Picked lint from my belly button.

Picked...

I wonder, what exactly is lint made out of?

Just checked in encyclopedia; it doesn't explain; no hint about lint.

Picked lint from my belly button...

I'm rather impressed by all this lint that I've managed to accumulate. Soon I'll be able to use what I've collected to knit a nice warm scarf for winter, maybe a lovely pair of mittens, too!

Picked lint from my belly button...

Kate's bangin blog!

Flew back Friday to London, then straight back out to Spain again to DJ Friday night...

Lorne's soporific slog

Made a paper aeroplane in the office. When I let it slip from my hand, it managed to flutter half way across my desk.

Now that's what I call enjoying a glamorous jet set lifestyle! Although I had to call a halt to it when the journalist at the next table scrunched up my plane and chucked it in the wastepaper basket.

I don't think there was ever a Boing 747 that suffered such an ignominious demise.

Kate's bangin' blog

I'm very excited. I love producing tunes as much as DJing out. My friends are coming up from London tonight, too, we're going for dinner at the lovely Italian restaurant Cielo. I'm looking forward to eating lots of yummy pasta and catching up with the girls...

Lorne's soporific slog

I'm very excited. I love producing tunes in the bath, whistled the theme to Emmerdale while dunking my rubber ducky.

Then it's time for dinner. In the flat. On my own.

(Well, I might invite rubber ducky along, though his conversational gambits tend to be disappointing. He knows absolutely nothing about Emmerdale, for instance.)

Anyway, what will I eat?

Maybe I'll make myself a cheese sandwich.

Although I don't actually have any bread.

Or cheese.

Hmmm. Some of that mould at the back of the fridge looks rather appetising.

And it's green, so it must be healthy.

Mould it is then.

Well, there you have it. Maybe I'm not so boring as I thought! My lifestyle is almost identical to Kate's, and I've got the exclamation marks to prove it!!!

Actually, the more I think about it, I probably have a more exciting life than the kurvy slice of krumpet from Kerrang!

After all, correct me if I'm wrong, but The Lawler never once mentioned Emmerdale once in her blog...