Carol Vorderman and the scrabble for cash
Brace yourselves, maths fans, it's time to focus your meticulous minds.
I've got a complicated problem for you to figure out.
Okay: take one deadly-dull afternoon programme, one that should have been cancelled decades ago.
Now subtract its big-headed female presenter.
What do you end-up with?
It's a trick question, of course.
Because nothing changes.
Countdown plus Carol Vorderman is the same as Countdown minus Carol Vorderman.
Guff for geeks.
Yet what was last week's major news?
The terrible tragedy of Carol being forced from her job as the pouting number-cruncher on the Channel 4 show, after bosses demanded she accept a 90% pay cut.
The cheek!
Well, it would be, if Carol was on a standard deal.
She isn't.
Instead, she bags one and a half million pounds a year.
Even with a massively reduced income, she'd still earn more than six times the national average wage.
For participating in a glorified version of Scrabble.
Still, I do have a tiny amount of sympathy.
Hauling home 150 thousand quid a year would have left Vorderman with only a few measly coppers - once she'd paid her British Gas bill.
But let's weep no more tears for credit-crunched Carol.
After all, the show must go on.
(Unfortunately.)
So who will take over on Countdown?
My vote goes to Stephen Hawking.
He's a genius, remember, with a brain as big as the Death Star... after a conservatory's been added, so Darth Vader can plant his begonias.
Next to Hawking's gargantuan grey matter, Vorderman's brain is merely a discarded lump of Plasticine.
Of course, there's a problem.
Is Hawking glamorous enough for TV?
I say - "HELL YES!"
Just squirt his body into a sexy little Christian Dior number, maybe a jet black micro-mini and a spangly boob-tube.
Then drench his lips in scarlet lippy.
And suddenly, Stevie would be one phwoar of a physicist!
I can almost envision the Countdown chairman introducing our lad to the show.
"Va-va-voom! You're looking cute today, Steve!"
Then Steve would fire back:
"Oh."
"Now."
"Just."
"Stop."
"That."
"You."
"Big."
"Tease."
"You."
"Are."
"Making.
"Me."
"Blush."
Another possible candidate for the Countdown slot is Ulrika Jonsson, whose name has already been thrown into the ring.
The former weather-girl would certainly bring some shimmy and sass to this snore of a show.
However, her role would involve tackling difficult maths puzzles.
Does the former weather-girl have the smarts for such a challenge?
There's only one way to find out.
Ask her to multiply the number of children she's given birth to by the blokes who fathered them.
Now, there's a tricky poser even Stephen Hawking would struggle to resolve.
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Lorne Jackson - Sunday Mercury columnist
How come you can't.
Write a sentence.
Longer than one line?
This is.
Pathetic.
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