POOR Lady Gaga! My heart goes out to the platinum-album selling, serial award-winning, multi-millionaire pop star.

She just isn't getting the attention she deserves.Park.


THERE are many reasons why men embrace marriage.

Cuddles on tap. An excuse to purchase a Pringle pullover, plus a stack of those Golf magazines that pile up in dental waiting rooms. The married man can also move to the 'burbs, vote Conservative with pride and start seriously considering where the kids should be schooled. (Top tip: Don't pick the school where the janitor wears a clown costume, carries a paper bag packed with sticky sweets in one hand... and a child-sized tadpole net in the other.)

But there's one crucial reason for missing out on all that marital bliss.


THE allocation of work is pretty fair in my gaff - everything is split fifty-fifty.

I hoover the carpets, cook the meals, dust the furniture, wash the dishes, polish the cutlery, delouse the pets, scrub the decks, splice the main sail...

And dance the sailor's hornpipe.

Meanwhile, the wife chooses which reality programmes to watch.

At the moment it's X-Factor rather than Strictly Come Dancing. A great shame for me, because from what I've spotted on Strictly websites, the women's costumes are skimpier than ever this year.

Clearly the credit crunch has hit undercrackers at last.

Of course, the dresses worn for this 'family show' have always been sparser than a 14-your-old lad's moustache. In the last series, the typical frock didn't even contain enough material to string Dennis The Menace's catapult.

This year, there's not enough material to string the catapult of Dennis's arch nemesis, Walter The Softy.

And, just in case you haven't studied your Beano recently, let me remind you that Walter is a well-behaved little chap.

Who doesn't own a catapult...

Let's just hope X-Factor goes the same way as Strictly, with a hefty helping of erotic teasing.

Although the thought of Simon Cowell trussed up in a thong, then basted in Lurpak isn't exactly appetising...


Congrats to Bob Dylan...

By Lorne Jackson on May 9, 09 12:09 AM

Congratulations Bob Dylan!


Together Through Life, the latest studio album from the 60's legend, is the first major collection of his songs to reach the top of the charts since 1970's New Morning.

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Lorne Jackson

Lorne Jackson - Sunday Mercury columnist

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