Love is all we need

Yes most of us do live our relationships at a surface level and get connected at the physical levels - such as through sex, renting a house together, raising children together and getting along with each others families or what author Maggie Whitehouse calls our 'tribes'. We watch our parents and the parents of others and TV soaps and come to a rudimentary acceptance or conclusion of what constitutes a relationship.

Love and Tantra Workshop facilitators Joginder and Marketta who are based in Birmingham state that it is often easier to connect at the physical level with our mates but that most of us yearn for the deeper 'heart connection' - we know there is more to love and we want more but then we replace our partner, whom we may have become disgruntled with, for a newer model, only to be even further disappointed once the honeymoon period has worn off.

Osho, legendary teacher and guru believed that when two people marry it is effectively the death of the relationship because they stop trying, they stop thinking, they stop being spontaneous, they start to take each other for granted, things become habitual and they switch off.

Lets get to the basics - you don't need a degree in quantum physics to be able to have sex, even animals do it, it's a survival of the species instinct and our mind-body system is set up to help us to mate successfully, even if we are not in love or care for the other person.

Apart from monkeys, we are the only beings in nature who mate for pleasure (as well as for babies of course! I'm sure it won't surprise you that most of the population arrive onto the planet as a result of 'accidents' occurring during pleasure sex!).

Most of us have grown up with all sorts of hang ups and sometimes contradictory conditioning about sex - from parents, our religion, our peers and the media. Some people may have had a traumatic experience that may make them unable to connect deeply with another in adult life or some may have been caught, either in solo activity or with someone else. For many sex and masturbation were seen as 'dirty'

As these issues can sometimes rob you of a harmonious love life it is very healthy to seek psychological support such as therapy or counselling to help deal with these before they start to contaminate your relationship

Joginder states that the key to harmonious love and sex is to:
Always see your partner as if you are seeing them for the first time - familiarity and routine is the death knell for any relationship- so being in the moment or very present to your partner is a must. In order to achieve this you must let go of 'this works for her/him' and meet each sexual or love encounter as if it is happening for the first time

Always have what's called 'conscious sex' (yes you know what I mean; no more stumbling in the bedroom completely drunk and in the morning wondering what or whom you've slept with!) at times it may feel as if sexual urges are an itch that you just have to scratch in any way possible but make sure you don't dishonour your partner in doing so - quickies are fine as long as you both are okay with them.

Always see love and sex as a sacred act and as an expression of joy and love for yourself and the other

The spark and fire of love is ignited in the day to day life that you have with your partner so don't expect her to jump lovingly into bed with you if you treat her in a disrespectful manner during the day.

Marketta remarks Tantra teaches that the key is always about being equal, respectful and kind to your partner - in an esoteric sense to 'embrace the divinity' within each other.

One of the most beautiful Tantra practices is to put your hands in prayer position and bow to your partner and give her/him a single flower and accept the flower that they give you. This sets the scene for mutual openness and ignites the love energy within you both (makes you horney or it may make you laugh which is just as good!)

When connecting see your partner as if you are seeing them for the first time; with that same desire, intrigue, lust, love, anticipation, flirtation and play

Tantra teaches about communicating openly during sex about what you want and what turns you on. Communicating and ability to talk about sex and love outside the bedroom is also required to help increase the intimacy.

However this level of honesty and openness can only happen if each person has good self esteem. Some people may be embarrassed and perhaps even fear that some of their needs may be odd or not acceptable.

Many men who are introduced to sex through porn often are at a loss when they realise that majority of women reach orgasm through non-penetrative sex!
In this case a woman who is sure and comfortable with her own body can gently teach her man what to do; always without denting his ego too much of course!

Also connecting, being fully present, so that nothing else exists for you both whilst you are together. Love is all about play, seduction and the joy of what your mind/body/spirit is capable of achieving so use all the senses so that there is face to face talking, use taste, smell, look, eye contact, sounds to all add to raising the energy required to increase the desire and to then be able to completely let go and surrender to your partner and the orgasm.

Be receptive to each other, be kind, take the risk to lower your defences and be fully 'unmasked' with your partner, Osho states that if you are secure in yourself you can take the risk to be fully vulnerable with the other because you know that if you are betrayed or hurt it does not really matter, you will be fine. The issue is that in taking the risk you avail yourself to the possibility of being deeply, deeply loved.

In Tantra, your joy, your security, your ease starts with you; you cannot wait or blame someone else for your happiness or misery. Marketta remarks that at any given time 'we are always with the perfect partner for that time' and it is for us to look for the lessons in the relationship we find ourselves in. if you feel disconnected from your loved one ask yourself what may be going on in you that may be creating the issues in your relationship.

Relationships are dynamic and always changing. There are always challenges along the way, from work commitments, to additions to the family such as children or losses such as bereavement.

All these will have an impact, nothing ever remains the same.
Tantra teaches that rather than being fearful of change and upheavals open up to it and communicate.

Surviving hardship and difficulties can forge a powerful bond ensuring commitment, loyalty, shared goals and shouldering responsibilities.
However in the daily drudge of daily life your love and sex connection can be 'put on the back burner' and many relationships have died as a result of losing this connection. Joginder advises making a date in your diary for love sessions. The planning, the wait, the build up in anticipation stokes the fires of passion!

What Men Want: to be admired, valued, seen as being the best ever, thrill of the chase, play, to be worshiped, teased, feel they have satisfied their partner, seduced, take charge, to be taken care of, be passive/dominant, feel amazing when their partner is able to completely let go with them, feel respected, heard, listened to, they are visual, so get that Ann Summers baby doll night dress now!

What Women Want: to be supported, admired, made to feel special, engaged with their mind, given total attention, worshiped, may want gentle and rough play, appreciated, held, made to feel safe and protected, seduced, seducing, be passive/dominant, feel respected, heard, listened to

Position of the Week: both lying on your side, face to face, him between her legs
(missionary position but on your sides) this give access to all the erogenous zones, all the senses and you can have intimate chatter.

Joginer and Marketta hold workshops for singles and couples in Birmingham from Dec 2008

Contact them on : www.moseleyholisticcentre.co.uk
0121 449 4086