This is love... but not as we know it?

By Manjit Ubhi on Nov 14, 08 12:02 PM

Following last weeks blog to help to turbo charge the quality of your connection with your partner through raising awareness of your own breath and linking your breath to your partners.

I've been contemplating the nature of relationships again. Well as you might remember that I do have a vested interest in this question as I am right in the middle of 'the divorce' right now.

Most of my great friends will no doubt experience 'divorce fatigue' soon and start to avoid me! Choosing perhaps to watch the couples saga on the soaps rather than mine - trust me I'm fatigued myself!

I must say I was rather comforted at the reports of Madonna's marriage breakdown and its inevitable fallout. It got me thinking really, it appears that at the beginning the very thing that attracts us too someone ends up being the very thing that tears us apart. I'm sure Madonna loved Guy's irreverence and macho stance and now has referred to him in a coded way, as being 'emotionally retarded'. I'm sure he loved her maturity and independence and now he sees her as 'old' and 'never home'

Psychotherapists have long reported that our traditional notion of love and marriage are outdated. Relationship experts Seane McGee and Maurice Taylor believe that people have for so long been 'hypnotised' into believing that love and intimacy is instinctive and that love should be enough.

So really there is no 'heading off into the sunset' on your wedding day but really that in order for the relationship to survive you have to become relationship 'literate'. There is also a belief that whilst one on three marriage fail in the UK, many suffer in miserable marriages.

Many studies have point to the effect on the mind body health as a result of continual conflict experienced in many relationships.

Therapists McGee and Taylor point to three core skills; 'emotional literacy, deep listening and conflict resolution' which once mastered may allow you to true intimacy, trust and growth in your relationship.

Emotional Literacy

When we enter a relationship we are never 'empty' but full of the years of experiences we have had so far.

So we expect our partner to make us feel happy, good, worthwhile, etc. what is really happening here is that we arrive at this juncture expecting them to make up for all the deficits from our upbringing.

If our needs are not met in childhood we hold that yearning in us, unconsciously, and hope that the love of our life will make up for it or fix it for us and of course when they are unable to do that we see that as them having let us down.

We really do look for our mothers or fathers in our adult lovers! If that's made you feel yuk! Really think about the person you are with right now and their qualities, both good and bad.... Yes I married my father too...!

So whilst you may be arguing with them about dirty socks on the floor ( forgetting that he does the ironing, cooks all the meals and brings you tea in bed every morning ) the underlying fear might be ( unconsciously ) that you will end up like 'master and slave' similar to your parents' marriage.

The more awareness you have about what your inner unmet needs are the more you can consciously stop projecting them onto your partner.

Deep Listening

When facing conflict most of us go into one of three modalities, 'the child, the critic, the adult. The only true place to be on this triangle is the 'adult'

as it is the only modality that has self awareness. When we argue the child mode appears and we often yell 'stop nagging me, I don't care what you think!' the critic appears when we then belittle or demean the other ' you're so stupid, how many times have I told you... you never do things properly!' when angry we can be incredibly disrespectful and hurtful and not surprisingly experienced over the years this can be the death of a relationship.

Conflict Resolution

The key is to verbalise a gripe, say how it saddens you, what your fear is and ownership of your fears and feelings and empathy for both standpoints. For example;

' I feel angry when you leave the old tea bags in the sink, I feel sad that you think I'll just pick up after you. My deepest fear is that you don't respect me and are just using me like my father used to use my mother.

I accept responsibility for being too obsessive about the sink. I do understand that you were in a hurry this morning and the bin was very full. Resolving a row: the person who is not in full rage should say 'time out' and say you are leaving the room and will continue a little later.

Get back together after a cooling off period and discuss how to proceed in a more adult way.

McGee and Taylor 'Ten Laws of Love'

1 Chemistry - sexual exclusivity, best friend and lover to your partner

2 Priority - put your partner above all others - guys...even your mother

3 emotional integrity - not scapegoat your partner for your own insecurities

4 deep listening - really hearing, not interrupting and really understanding

5 equality - men and womens brains are wired differently but we can still respect and accept each other

6 peacemaking - forgive, as an act of love for yourself and the other

7 love thy self - your partner cannot make up for your defects

8 passion in life - have your own independent goals, your individuality

9 leaving - always remember you are in this relationship voluntarily

10 transformation - the willingness to learn the above rule and act by them