November 2008 Archives

Well I had intended to write further about the love and tantra workshops run by a beautiful couple I met a few weeks ago ( Joginder and Marketta ) but that will have to wait as I have been surprised by the number of people I know who are complaining about how the dark evenings, shorter days, changes in weather and lack of daylight is affecting their mood. So the love blog will have to wait till next week; as in true tantra fashion - delayed gratification is so much more satisfying!

Following last weeks blog to help to turbo charge the quality of your connection with your partner through raising awareness of your own breath and linking your breath to your partners.

I've been contemplating the nature of relationships again. Well as you might remember that I do have a vested interest in this question as I am right in the middle of 'the divorce' right now.

Most of my great friends will no doubt experience 'divorce fatigue' soon and start to avoid me! Choosing perhaps to watch the couples saga on the soaps rather than mine - trust me I'm fatigued myself!

I must say I was rather comforted at the reports of Madonna's marriage breakdown and its inevitable fallout. It got me thinking really, it appears that at the beginning the very thing that attracts us too someone ends up being the very thing that tears us apart. I'm sure Madonna loved Guy's irreverence and macho stance and now has referred to him in a coded way, as being 'emotionally retarded'. I'm sure he loved her maturity and independence and now he sees her as 'old' and 'never home'

Psychotherapists have long reported that our traditional notion of love and marriage are outdated.  Relationship experts Seane McGee and Maurice Taylor believe that people have for so long been 'hypnotised' into believing that love and intimacy is instinctive and that love should be enough.

So really there is no 'heading off into the sunset' on your wedding day but really that in order for the relationship to survive you have to become relationship 'literate'.  There is also a belief that whilst one on three marriage fail in the UK, many suffer in miserable marriages. 

Many studies have point to the effect on the mind body health as a result of continual conflict experienced in many relationships.

Therapists McGee and Taylor point to three core skills; 'emotional literacy, deep listening and conflict resolution' which once mastered may allow you to true intimacy, trust and growth in your relationship.

Emotional Literacy

When we enter a relationship we are never 'empty' but full of the years of experiences we have had so far.

So we expect our partner to make us feel happy, good, worthwhile, etc. what is really happening here is that we arrive at this juncture expecting them to make up for all the deficits from our upbringing.

If our needs are not met in childhood we hold that yearning in us, unconsciously, and hope that the love of our life will make up for it or fix it for us and of course when they are unable to do that we see that as them having let us down. 

We really do look for our mothers or fathers in our adult lovers! If that's made you feel yuk! Really think about the person you are with right now and their qualities, both good and bad.... Yes I married my father too...!