Seven Stages of Breaking Up

By Manjit Ubhi on Sep 19, 08 01:30 PM

Well I may as well come clean and admit that therapists have rubbish lives like the rest of the population! I'm going through a divorce myself and whilst working with many individuals over the years going through this baptism of fire I must say actually being 'in it' is extremely painful, debilitating, confusing and emotionally, mentally and physically draining. The analogy of sitting on the roller coaster that never seems to stop is a good one - I really am wondering when and if it will ever stop ( I know now why I've never liked those rides before!)

There is a real sense of the 'rightness' of this course of action for me even though it might not be for my soon to be ex. Over the years we really have grown apart and become very different people with differing wants, beliefs, goals and values. The children who were obviously our focus before have are now needing us less and I suppose one day I must looked at him and thought 'I've lived longer than I'm going to live and is this what I want for the last thirty years or so of my life?' No doubt the answer was a resounding 'NO!'

I can be quite reasonable and accept that there is blame on both sides, I accept my part in it and in no way think I am a bad person or that he is; just that I want more and I have more to do in life and feel I can achieve them if I am not in a continual state of conflict and unhappiness.

As you might guess the norms in my culture are to keep the family unit tight despite and in spite of what may be going on. There is an allegiance to the group and the pressure to 'put up and shut up' are great. However from what I know of other cultures too, there is a similar 'shame' attached, to women in particular who are separated or divorced.

Then there is the case of the children, they are more grown up and therefore able to make a little sense of things but no doubt still buffered, hurt and perhaps even ashamed of our behaviour sometimes. I remember my eldest looking at me in horror when I said we were going to 'give it another try' a little way back.

Well although I wish there were some things I didn't know as sometimes it might be nice to live in ignorance I am grateful for my ability to think in a reflective way about my own behaviour, feelings and actions. Knowledge of the processes us humans go thorough when faced with 'endings' has been helpful.

Family lawyer and author Simone E. Katzenberg in her book I want a divorce? A unique approach to the emotional and legal implications of marital crisis' ( published by Kyle Cathie). Who found that her clients appeared to go thorough particular stages during the divorce process and realised that if these are recognised and feelings are not bottled up then there is hope of recovery and survival.

Stages During Separation and Divorce

Breakdown of the relationship
This first stage can take many years and one person may be feeling it or instigating more than the other - it is in this early stage that interventions such as counselling can help to heal the hurt or damage and the marriage saved. The slow malaise and low feelings of the realisation that things are over can lead to the next stage

Shock

This stage manifests in the slow realisation that things are heading for separation and divorce. You may feel as if you are just trudging through life. There may be a further distancing from your partner, a shutting down of your en=motions, its possible to go into a depression here and important to seek help in needed. Try to give yourself space with the children if you have them, do things that you enjoy, keep in touch with good friends and get counselling or some other type of body therapy which wil help to lift your spirits and make you feel good.

Anger

This is likely to hit you without any prior warning! You may suffer mood swings, have a short fuse. You may blame yourself the next the other person. You may have murderous thoughts about the other person. It is often at these stages that if there any underlying violence in the relationship it may manifest itself in a physical attack. If this is the case it is important to be safe. Take the advice of your solicitor and the police. It is important to remember that it is possible to express your anger in other less harmful or destructive ways. Some people may want to lash out at the children or use them as pawns by denigrating the other person. One person told me her husband told her that if she was lying wounded in front of her he would step over and walk away - whilst it may be his right to feel those feeling it is better that these are expressed in a neutral environment such as in a counselling sessions. Expressing will give you the relief needed for the next stage

Pain

This stage engenders feelings of being wounded, empty, abandoned and rejected; thankfully this is often a short lived stage especially if you are able to talk to supportive friends or counsellor. These empty feeling then lead to

Hatred

Here you may be aghast at what possessed you to be with such a person especially as they wrangle with you over the details of finances, houses, custody of the children or pets. As you fight for months and become battle weary you will fall into the next stage

Grief

You know you are near the end here, you begin to mourn the loss of the life you both had dreamed of. You may stop fighting and let some things go - let him have the sofa he brought. As you shrug your shoulders to some of the things that had driven you crazy a few months ago you reach the final stage

Acceptance

Here you let go and see the new life ahead of you
Of course these stages do not occur in sequence but you may be stuck in one for some time ( years sometimes) or you may go back to an earlier stage.
I'm not too sure where I am but I vacillate between pain hatred and grief at the moment but al I wish for is to let go with love as they say because I honour the 28 years that I spent in this marriage and really nothing terrible has happened to us - just life happened to us that's all