I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! How to defuse domestic strife

What's going on here?

Sometimes when we have longstanding anger or bitterness with someone, we can end up overreacting in a situation - because your feelings are also contaminated by the hundred other times you felt criticised by your partner.

So first ask yourself WHAT you are feeling ('I'm feeling so angry / upset / hurt / bitter at what has just happened').

Then, staying in the here and now (not 'she's always doing this to me') narrow it down: 'I'm feeling angry because he did not listen to me'.

Think about why it has been difficult for you to confront this person before.

Do you have a habit of remaining passive in such situations or are you afraid of confronting this person? Does this person remind you of someone else whose behaviour you have not been able to confront?

If you do this sort of thinking before you next see the person you will be more confident and able to tackle the given issue rather than it ending up in a massive argument again.

Pick the right time

This is so important. It is best to walk away from an explosive situation because nothing logical or helpful can happen when people are just attacking each other.

Choose a time when you know you have done some thinking, and the other person is also calm. If your partner is often volatile after a drink then when he's come in from a night out with his friends is not a good time to have a heart to heart!

Choose a time when you know he or she is relaxed or has had time come in through the door and relax for the evening.

If it is a manager you have to tackle then it's not a good idea to do it as he or she is rushing to the next meeting, but to diary time in when you know they are not busy.

Don't make it all bad!

When you are confronted it is natural to put the defences up and fight your corner.

When people keep hearing you bringing up all negative things about you they are likely to attack back or just stop listening.

So always say something positive to balance out the conversation.

"I know you're great at helping out with the children in the mornings but I feel that at other times I'm just left to get on with it and I don't have any time for myself", for example.

Stick to the issue at hand - don't rake up the past!

It is so tempting once you have the other person's attention to just go for it! Many people feel the floodgates open and go off the point of the conversation as all manner of old unexpressed anger and resentment pours out.

If this starts to happen, apologise and say "I'm sorry I didn't mean to bring all that up now, maybe we can talk about that some other time."

If the other person brings up the past you can say: "I know you seem very upset about that, too, and perhaps we can talk about it another time but for now let's just stick to what we were discussing."

'I'm right, you're wrong'

Discussions get heated and out of control when both people feel that they are right.

Listening to the other person and acknowledging what they have said, even though you might not agree with it, is important.

It's good to let the other person know that you have heard: "I understand how you could have felt hurt by what I said and I'm sorry you felt hurt, but that was not my intention."

Know when to stop

If things do get too heated remember to stop and decide to discuss at a later stage

We are seekers of harmony and happiness and so we have an innate need to resolve issues we have with others. Most of us want peace of mind and to feel good about the relationships we have.