Following last weeks blog to help to turbo charge the quality of your connection with your partner through raising awareness of your own breath and linking your breath to your partners.

I've been contemplating the nature of relationships again. Well as you might remember that I do have a vested interest in this question as I am right in the middle of 'the divorce' right now.

Most of my great friends will no doubt experience 'divorce fatigue' soon and start to avoid me! Choosing perhaps to watch the couples saga on the soaps rather than mine - trust me I'm fatigued myself!

I must say I was rather comforted at the reports of Madonna's marriage breakdown and its inevitable fallout. It got me thinking really, it appears that at the beginning the very thing that attracts us too someone ends up being the very thing that tears us apart. I'm sure Madonna loved Guy's irreverence and macho stance and now has referred to him in a coded way, as being 'emotionally retarded'. I'm sure he loved her maturity and independence and now he sees her as 'old' and 'never home'

Psychotherapists have long reported that our traditional notion of love and marriage are outdated.  Relationship experts Seane McGee and Maurice Taylor believe that people have for so long been 'hypnotised' into believing that love and intimacy is instinctive and that love should be enough.

So really there is no 'heading off into the sunset' on your wedding day but really that in order for the relationship to survive you have to become relationship 'literate'.  There is also a belief that whilst one on three marriage fail in the UK, many suffer in miserable marriages. 

Many studies have point to the effect on the mind body health as a result of continual conflict experienced in many relationships.

Therapists McGee and Taylor point to three core skills; 'emotional literacy, deep listening and conflict resolution' which once mastered may allow you to true intimacy, trust and growth in your relationship.

Emotional Literacy

When we enter a relationship we are never 'empty' but full of the years of experiences we have had so far.

So we expect our partner to make us feel happy, good, worthwhile, etc. what is really happening here is that we arrive at this juncture expecting them to make up for all the deficits from our upbringing.

If our needs are not met in childhood we hold that yearning in us, unconsciously, and hope that the love of our life will make up for it or fix it for us and of course when they are unable to do that we see that as them having let us down. 

We really do look for our mothers or fathers in our adult lovers! If that's made you feel yuk! Really think about the person you are with right now and their qualities, both good and bad.... Yes I married my father too...!

In our body-obsessed culture, the physical is given importance over inner values. In love, it's about the rush to attain the gold medal for being fastest to the 'Big O' and having had the most conquests.

Most men and women grow up learning about sex from TV, magazines and porn, where bodies are treated just as objects.

Women are said to looking for the men with big 'members'. Men are said to be looking for the tightest butts and the most pert breasts.

In the music videos teenagers consume with great ease, women are merely 'wallpaper' with no hint of them having an identity or being individuals.

Perhaps we should look to tradition to help to reconnect with that dearest of needs and the most primitive of urges - SEX.

Moving on from the blog last time on the importance of the breath I thought it would be good to look into this in more depth and perhaps include some exercises that I often share with my clients to help them to take more control of their mind body state.

As we shared earlier we take for granted this most profound life force in our body.
In the East at the core of all yogic practices is breath control ( known as Pranayama) although in its translation to West with the help of the likes of Madonna, yoga has been regarded more for its physical health benefits above the mind body spiritual aspects.

Deep breathing is known to help nourish the physical body, helping to keep every cell properly oxygenated and enable the functions of metabolism and elimination.

Proper breathing helps concentration, enables greater clarity and awareness to deal with quite complex situations without becoming overwhelmed or stressed. It also creates emotional stability through a balance between the two sides of the brain

The right side of the brain processes your emotions, intuition and is the 'feminine centre' whilst the left side is objective and logical and the 'masculine centre'

Everyone experiences some fear or anxious feelings and is often a normal response in stressful or challenging situations. However some people tend to feel anxious or afraid even when there is no potential threat or danger. When feelings of anxiety begin to control and interfere with normal life it is often known as an anxiety disorder which affects 1 in 10 people in the UK. When anxiety is occurring there are a range of symptoms due to the fight or flight response.

When experiencing excessive stress whether from external harm or internal worry an automatic reaction is triggered called the 'fight or flight' response. This is a hard wired primitive response originally discovered by physiologist Walter Cannon (1929).

• Dry mouth
• Sweating
• Rapid heartbeat or palpitations
• Shortness of breath
• Difficulty in swallowing
• Dizziness
• Shacking
• "jelly legs"
• Nausea
• Butterflies or 'rush' due to adrenaline release
• Diarrhoea

• Feeling upset
• Feeling worried all the time
• Insomnia
• Feeling tired
• Quick to get angry
• Irritable
• Lack of concentration
• Feeling out of control and detached from your environment
• Being hyper-vigilant (always on the look out for danger)

• Worthless
• Hopeless
• Negative feeling towards oneself
• Low self-esteem
• Anxiety starts to control your life i.e. you may not go for that job interview or you stop socialising with friends
• Feeling isolated and alienated from others
• Heart and blood pressure problems
• Digestive problems such as IBS and stomach ulcers
• Burn out
• Thinking is distorted and fear is exaggerated

This response corresponds to a gland in the brain called hypothalamus which when stimulated during an actual or perceived threat or attack creates a sequence of chemical releases that activates our body for fighting or running away. If the body is in 'fight or flight' over prolonged periods this can have a detrimental effect on mental, physical and emotional wellbeing.

We in the so called civilised societies spend an inordinate amount of time, energy and worry over the external, physical, material aspects of our lives; the right car, the right house, the right look, the tightest butt, the most pert breasts etc etc so much so that children as young as five and six years old are preoccupied with their looks and when little girls were asked what they wanted to be when they grew up a worrying number said 'glamour model'

In this relentless search we loose sight of the greatest obvious, the very core of our existence - the breath. It is apparent when we are born, everyone in the birthing room holds their breath until the newborn gasps and takes in the very first breath and rightly so at the point of death everyone holds their breath again as the dying person takes their last breath. So how come such a loyal companion, so core to our life could be so taken for granted?

Chris Mooney Shihan, 6th Dan Aikido instructor and Body Oriented Coach, believes that we learn bad breathing habits as a result of holding the breath or shallow breathing when faced with frightening or fearful events often in early life.

'Its important to remember that in life there is a natural process, we take in, receive and absorb the 'world', oxygen, energy, ki, chi, prana whatever you want to call it and then we let go, release, empty the body; this perpetual in and out is so necessary to our mind body experience.'

Well I may as well come clean and admit that therapists have rubbish lives like the rest of the population! I'm going through a divorce myself and whilst working with many individuals over the years going through this baptism of fire I must say actually being 'in it' is extremely painful, debilitating, confusing and emotionally, mentally and physically draining. The analogy of sitting on the roller coaster that never seems to stop is a good one - I really am wondering when and if it will ever stop ( I know now why I've never liked those rides before!)

There is a real sense of the 'rightness' of this course of action for me even though it might not be for my soon to be ex. Over the years we really have grown apart and become very different people with differing wants, beliefs, goals and values. The children who were obviously our focus before have are now needing us less and I suppose one day I must looked at him and thought 'I've lived longer than I'm going to live and is this what I want for the last thirty years or so of my life?' No doubt the answer was a resounding 'NO!'

I can be quite reasonable and accept that there is blame on both sides, I accept my part in it and in no way think I am a bad person or that he is; just that I want more and I have more to do in life and feel I can achieve them if I am not in a continual state of conflict and unhappiness.

In the last few years our understanding and acceptance of the link between mind and body has gathered great momentum. Most of us can remember the case of Sally Clark who was convicted of murdering her baby when justice prevailed and she was released from jail she is said to have suffered from deep depression, mood swings and to have become a virtual recluse in her own home. She went on to die of 'natural causes' at the age of just 42.

The notion that profound stress, grief and trauma can have a direct impact on the heart is now undeniable. Whilst the case above is an extreme example we only need to recall stressful times of our own to know just how debilitating it can be.

A prolonged, constantly conflictual 'bad marriage' or relationship, a bullying boss or burnout from over work, ongoing unresolved and unexpressed anger, anxiety and depression have long been connected with damaging health but the research now points to even mild stress as a precursor to heart problems.

Over the years I have come to realise that the root of all our mind/body well being is the ability to sleep well. So for those of you want to increase the chances of getting a good night's sleep and to wake up rested and refreshed here are some tips:

A bedroom needs to be a bedroom

If you have your laptop or computer, televisions, work files, or gym equipment, yes! I do know someone who has weights and a exercise bike - used now as a clothes horse, in her bedroom and which she says are a constant source of guilt for her as she never uses them. Bringing work home and then doing it in your bedroom is not likely to induce sleep! Your mind is likely to be racing and it may take you a lot longer to wind down. Watching exciting films on TV will just arouse your nervous system and stop you from falling asleep later.

Most of us with any iota of feeling has felt angered and hateful with someone else or a situation.

Ongoing anger and raging feelings create a tremendous trauma and turmoil in the mind/body system.

Raising of blood pressure, surges of adrenaline, panic and distress are all common features in ongoing and unexpressed anger.

If these remained unresolved we are creating untold damage to our psyche, spirit and our physical body.

Research has shown direct stress on the heart as warring couples engage in yet another 'domestic'.

So if you want to get off the merry-go-round of resentment and holding on to anger from years ago read on for some simple steps to assist better communication.

How many of you look forward to the weekend and to be free of the Monday to Friday grind, only to feel more exhausted and drained as you race against the clock to do the chores and run errands for others?

Somehow on a Monday morning it may seem like a relief to get back into the routine.

Because of the unstructured nature of the weekend our brain tends to play havoc so we might go crazy with the chores or just drink too much, slob out and sleep.

A recent survey revealed that most people have higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol in their bodies on a weekend than during the week. It gives a whole new meaning to the 'I'm going to work for a rest' syndrome!

Very few people think constructively about relaxing, so read on for my three-point plan to chill out next weekend.