Why it pays to be a smart cat
Miaooow, Keogh fans.
Surprised the lady of the house loves me so much. I'm independent, don't listen, don't come in when called, stay out all night and when I am at home, I just sleep.
She absolutely hate those traits in her own husband.
But pets are a gender thing. If you're a man, you like dogs. That's because they obey without question. I don't think that's an admirable quality. Unless you're terminally stupid, sooner or later you're going to think: "Know what? Fetch your own bloody stick."
They like dogs because canines can be trained. Cats can be trained, but we weigh-up the pros and cons before putting that training into practice. I mean, it's beyond me why police dogs don't take a few minutes to think: "Surely, catching this armed robber is worth more than a biscuit? There's a £2,000 reward on his head, for a start."
Cats could retrieve 'downed' pheasants, but don't get to keep them. So what's the point?
Dogs are noisy, cats are not. Next door's terrier barked so much at night that they bought him a burglar.
A lot of men hate cats. One man hated his wife's cat so much, he drove seven miles from home and dumped it, but by the time he got home, there was the cat sitting on his driveway. So next day he drove the cat 14 miles from home and dumped it. When he got back, there was the cat again wandering up the driveway. Totally frustrated, he drove the cat 21 miles to a dark, untamed forest, where he dumped it again.
Three hours later his wife got an urgent call at home. "Darling," said her flustered husband, "is the cat there?"
"Yes," said the surprised wife. "Why?"
"Just put him on the line," near pleaded the husband. "I need directions."
Women like cats, particularly older women. Just last week, a cat which belongs to the old dear across the road gave birth to a litter of kittens. "How could it happen?" shrieked the OAP to the vet. "She never leaves the house. How could she meet another cat."
"What about that old tom sitting on the sofa?" enquired the vet.
"Don't be ridiculous," snapped the old dear. "That's her brother."