My new playmate

What's white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea? A catameringue.

Miaowww there, Keogh fans.

Got a new mate. I delightful young thing - a pedigree, to boot - has moved into our patch.

A 'Tom', but he's been 'done'. I know that because the lonely heart ad said that...along with gsoh, sense of humour, likes going out.

It's early days, but we seem to be getting on like a house on fire - even if he does have a bell. That makes going out and killing things, which is something you usually do on a first date.

A large number of mice have already been saved by the bell. I think it's cruel - the bling, not the rodent killing. If God wanted cats to wear jewellery, he would've made their whiskers silver.

The collar has got his name on, which is just silly. Cats can't read. That's why putting an ad in a newspaper when a moggie goes missing is a waste of time. None of the AWOL cat's mates are going to take notice.

I've been invited round his house, which is very plush. There's a huge rug and a 'pretend' log fire, which looks a but like a microwave. Pretty sure it is a microwave: spent 15 minutes infront of it last night and it felt like I'd been there all night.

My new pal has got it made. His owners even let him sleep on their bed. And last night we were treated to five bowls of milk.

Pretty sure that's a new lap record.