Keogh the cat : martial arts for moggies

By Keogh The Cat on Dec 1, 09 02:42 PM

Not many people know this, but the Siamese invented a martial art for cats.

It's a bit like a street fighting version of Wado-Ryu - a sort of Wado-Riyulookingat.

It's called mea-owwthathurt and for the first time a grand master has risked death to spill the secrets of this deadly art in a 12-part correspondence course.

Part one comes with a cat collar and bell that doubles as a knuckle (sorry, paw) duster.

I know this because the offer says: "Must not be used as a pawduster".

I saw the ad in this month's edition of the cat equivalent of Hello! - 'Here, Kitty, Kitty!' - and knew it was for me.

"Fear no cat," boomed the banner headline. "Are you tired of getting cat litter kicked in your face?"

I am, but it's usually me who is kicking it in my own face. That's because the litter tray is too small.

"Now a grand master of mea-owwthathurt has broken the code of silence that surrounds the ancient martial art to give you the chance to spit, bite, scratch and generally beat seven bells out of any moggie who jumps into your garden.

"But remember, this most deadly form of kitten combat must only be used in self-defence against those who threaten you*"

(*legal note - the phrase 'threaten you' encompasses being looked at 'in a funny way').

The ad continued: "Cats will swoon as you chase your petrified rivals up the driveway and if you haven't had sex with up to ten moggies within three weeks of embarking on this correspondence course we'll give you your money back*.

(*legal note - the phrase 'up to ten moggies' includes the number '0').

"For his own safety," concluded the ad, "we cannot reveal the identity of the grand master who has revealed exclusively to us the secrets of mea-owwthathurt.

"If his details appeared in this magazine he would face certain death from Siamese monks at twilight - and some pretty uncomfortable questions from Trading Standards."