Keogh the Cat: My Christmas Single!

By Keogh The Cat on Oct 22, 09 01:55 PM

When it comes to helping others, I've got something in the pipeline. It's a dead rat. I wedged it in there yesterday.

I've got something else as well. A Christmas charity single, with money raised used to buy catnip for the growing army of strays. Because of the credit crunch, more and more pet owners are showing cats the door. We usually think: "Very interesting - now could you open it, I'm dying for the toilet."

If every resident in the three villages that comprise our rural parish donated only 10p there would be enough catnip to get all us moggies off our faces for a week. If that isn't a good cause, I don't know what is.

It's like Band Aid, but without Bananarama, which makes it better, in my book. Infact, I've called my song, 'Do They Know It's Christmas? Don't Be Stupid - they're cats'.

But it sounds nothing like the original, although the bit where Bananarama sang does unwittingly resemble our cat chorus. The words are moving, too: 'It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid.

'It's Christmas time, I'm going to keep on jumping until I knock the tinsel off that lamp,errr, shade.'

And so forth...

The video's very moving. My mate Ginger is pictured squatting by a rose bush, then a human's boot strikes him. Thirteen 'takes' it took before I was satisfied with that scene.

Poor Ginger still won't come down from the tree he ran up.

The underlying message is very real and pertinent: a cat isn't a Christmas present. Who wants a Christmas present that doesn't do what you want, has lots of sharp bits and 'switches off' 18 hours a day.

If you want something you can play with, get a dog.

Us cats have spent nights rehearsing and, if nothing else, we've proved if a bunch of wailing cats rehearse long enough they still sound like wailing cats, but they can learn to start and stop wailing at the same time.

Public response has been luke-warm, unlike the water in the bucket the lady at Nunber 13 threw over us.

Media reaction has been even worse. I pleaded with the DJ at Radio Rural for airtime. All he could say was: "Who let that cat in the studio?"

Simon Cowell was equally dismissive. "You can't sing, you look dreadful," he scoffed, "I think you'll definitely make it to boot camp. If those twins can do it..."