Keogh the cat : they've put me on a diet!

I've resorted to a sea-food diet. Not so much seafood, actually - more pond-food: next door's koi carp pond.

If humans want to diet, it's up to them. They like to be skinny. Take that Posh Spice.

First time I saw a picture of her, I thought she's either useless at catching things (it can't be too difficult to outrun those frozen chickens - their legs are tied for a start) or she's hibernated for too long.

Turns out she's made herself like that. Why?

Last time I saw legs like that, I was chasing them and they had a message attached.

Funny creatures, people. They're infatuated with weight. Some even make themselves sick after meals. I've tried - the only thing that came out was fur.

The female in our house bought a one-year membership to a local gym, but didn't lose an ounce. Turns out you have to turn up once in a while.

She blathers on about how thin she was when she did ballet. She wouldn't get into a tutu now. She'd need a three-three.

It's different for us cats. Being fat is a sign of power, of virility.

The most attractive moggie I ever saw was wedged in a catflap. I want to be like my mate Ginger and polish the wooden floor with my belly by just walking across it.

But, no! My owners have restricted me to two meals a day and no snacks.

No snacks! How does that work?

There's a field full of them running around only yards away.

They want me to be lean, mean and lightning fast, like a greyhound.

That's a very worrying thought. They may be lean and lightning-fast, but I've never once seen them catch that rabbit on telly.