Humans need to lick themselves clean

The good folk at the Sunday Mercury are very pleased with the number of 'hits' I've been getting...whatever that means.

I'm not surpised at gaining computer stardom. Have you seen me with a mouse?

To all those who have logged-on and become Keogh fans, a big thank you.

And to those who googled 'pussy' and got me by mistake, I can only apologise.

Maybe your cat has got what it takes to be a hit on the net. Send me your moggie's picture - even better, your moggie's video - and I'll display it for the rest of the world to see.

Complicated creatures, humans.

I'd treat them with a lot less suspicion if they licked themselves clean once in a while. I realise it's biologically impossible for people to do the backside thing, but they could spit on their hands and wash their ears from time to time, surely?

They say the funniest thing, too.

Last night the male human said to the female: "You look the cat's whiskers." Roughly translated, that means: "You look like something I'd use to measure if the patio door is big enough to squeeze through."

No one - except Victoria Beckham, maybe - would take that as a compliment.

"You look like the cat who's found the cream" is another saying I've heard them use. It means 'you look very happy', apparently, which is very odd. Surely it should mean, 'you've got milk on your face' or 'you look like you've stuffed your mouth in a saucer'?

For years when I heard humans use that quaint expression, I thought they were expressing dietary concerns: slang for 'you look uncomfortably bloated, would you like some meat?'.

I suppose we cats should be pleased with all the positive references. Don't ask me why, but football fans call any good goalkeeper 'The Cat'. I've watched them in action on telly and still don't know why. They don't scent-mark their posts: I think I caught Bruce Grobbelaar doing it once, but he doesn't play any more. They don't clean themselves
during a match: a couple tried, but got booked for time-wasting.

They don't fall asleep during games and they don't arch their backs, hiss then run a mile when the ball comes towards them. As a nickname, therefore, it's very flawed.

Nonetheless, in human-speak there's a lot of positives associated with cats. Dogs, on the other hand, are dragged into the conversation when humans have something negative to say: serves 'em right - all that toadying and fetching sticks nonsense and mutts still can't get any positive PR.

"She's dressed like a dog's dinner", "look what the dog dragged in?" - which only works when you're talking about a stick, surely?, "it's a dog's life", "barking mad"....I could go on.

"It's raining cats and dogs" - that's the man-phrase I really don't understand.
"It's a warning about sepping in poodles," said my mate Felix.

So where do cats come into it?
"When it's pussing it down," he added.