Keogh the cat on Britain's Got Talent

"I'm afraid Keogh's very nervous," apologised Mike, my owner.

"Is that why she's hanging off the curtains?" asked Simon.

"I think it's the dazzle from the teeth," added Mike, before quickly correcting himself, "Sorry errr...I meant lights."

I didn't want to go on the show in the first place.

I was scared to death waiting in that audition room - and that wasn't just because they put me next to a tap-dancing dog.

What a let-down he was. He just rubbed against his owner's legs, which I do every meal time.

"The problem is," mused Simon, "Keogh isn't actually doing anything particularly out-of-the-ordinary. She's just being a cat."

"Cat play with balls," he shrugged. "It's not a particular showbiz talent."

But how many cats play with balls while Mud's Tiger Feet plays in the background, that's the question?

"I mean," he added, "would The Queen be gripped by something like that?"

Probably not, but I'll bet the corgis would be excited.

"She sings," insisted Mike, "but I have to give her the signal."

"What's the signal?" trilled the judges.

"It's usually my toe up her backside."

With that, the buzzers blared out.The crowd broke into boos.

"At least let her do her magic trick," grovelled Mike. "I'll release a white dove and Keogh will make it disappear."

"And how long will that take?" demanded Simon, tapping his fingers on the desk.

"It's not a particularly big dove. I reckon she can eat the whole thing in ten minutes max."