Keogh the cat: guard dogs and guide dogs are rubbish

By Keogh The Cat on May 9, 09 10:00 PM

I'm in the dog, or should that be cat, house.

The humans were burgled while I was in the property and they're a bit miffed I didn't do anything. Actually, I did. I rubbed against his leg in an intimidated way.

He was so frightened, he stroked me...repeatedly.

I even miaowed, but when he didn't put any food in my dish, I went back to the sofa and fell asleep.

He may have taken more from the house than he realised, however. I've got a bad case of fleas.

One of the humans even had the cheek to say, in front of me, that the break-in wouldn't have happened if they had a dog.

Nice, that is.

And what would a dog do?

Try to have sex with the thief's leg until he was too exhausted to nick the stereo? Maybe tire him out by getting him to repeatedly throw sticks? Walk him to death?

Guard dogs are over-rated. They bite people.

So do I - and I can scratch, too. I can also moult on offenders. That can be near fatal if you've got a cat allergy.

Those misguided folk who don't think I can bite as hard as guard dogs should have a word with our postman.

I leapt from behind a bush and bit his leg so badly he shrieked.

Guide dogs are over-rated, too.

Cats could guide blind people - guide them up the occasional tree, admittedly, but the exercise would do them good.

And they'd have plenty of time to recuperate: they'd be hanging around for a good ten minutes while we took a nap and washed ourselves.

Now the humans say they want a big dog to ward off burglars, possibly a rottweiler.

Big mistake.

If one of those sat on a human's lap they would both go straight through the wonky sofa. If one of those climbed up the curtains it'd be the end of the Artex on the ceiling, that's for sure.

Dogs are simply better at PR than us cats, courtesy of their public relations chief, Lassie - and the Lockleys have bought into all the 'spin'.

The mutt that came up with the 'man's best friend' line deserves a medal.

They bury things, which makes them 'man's best friend' only if the man in question owns a landfill site.

They fetch things, but not things like packets of ciggies from a shop, or tins of lager, or the week's groceries.

Usually they fetch sticks, which have to be thrown first.

What a priceless gift that is. If you're urgently in need of a piece of wood being retrieved, get a dog: carpenters take note.

In a bid to keep my place in the house, I've tried to show I can be as obedient as a dog.

Yesterday the 'master' - I've got to get used to that word - shouted 'heel'.

I bit his heel.