Keogh The Cat : how to train your humans

Humans mean well, but sometimes need to be disciplined.

The old 'scratching furniture' routine used to be popular, but too often led to humans punishing us.

Therefore I've devised ways of getting back at people:

* Stare impassively at your human during a romantic interlude.

* Stand over an expensive electrical item and feign a furball attack. If you can actually cough-up a furball, all the better.

* Use the litter tray during an important dinner engagement.

* Wait until they've finished watching a horror film, then stroll to the stairwell and start hissing and spitting. Does the trick every time.

It's important to remember that a cat should never try to own its human.

It's best to lease one with options.