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March 2009 Archives

I thought I'd had it bad, but kitten Kightly, who shares my house along with the humans, has come back from her trip to the vets with, what looks like, a lampshade over her head.

It's to stop her licking herself, apparently, which is downright stupid - we lick our backsides, not our faces. So why hasn't she got a lampshade on her bum? The fleas must be having a field day.


I am kitten, hear me roar!
See me chase toys on the floor.
I will do just what I want,
Obey you? Hmph; I will not!
Give me some, I will take more.
I am kitten, hear me roar!

I am kitten, hear me roar!
I am tabby to the core.
Though you think I'm really cute,
Wait until you see your boot.
To my food dish I will soar,
I am kitten, hear me roar!

I am kitten, hear me roar!
Little mousies I will gore.
Deep inside my fluffy fur,
There are feelings that occur,
I grew up with claws that tore,
I am kitten, hear me roar!

Keogh the cat : cat jokes

By Keogh The Cat on Mar 16, 09 08:00 AM

Q: What do you call a cat that sings just like Pavarotti?
A: Mewsical

Q: What do you call a cat that meows all night and loses its voice?
A: Mewtilated

Adam and Eve said: "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said: "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said: "Lord, I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

God said: "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him 'dog'."

And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said: "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said: "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a s**t one way or the other.

It's tough thinking of new ways to punish the humans.

Last night the Lockleys were all set for a rare night out.

The taxi arrived and, in an effort to delay their plans, I decided to dart indoors as soon as they opened the front door.

Since I 'wasted' the budgie and goldfish, they refuse to let me stop in on my own.

Not to appear like an idiot, Mike instructed his wife to wait in the taxi.

"Just going inside to check on my elderly mother," he shouted to the cabbie.

After five minutes, he returned to the vehicle.

"Everything OK?" asked Julie.

"Fine," he answered. "She was hiding under the bloody bed again. I had to poke her with a coathanger to get her out."

Thought for the day

Why has no one made mouse-flavoured cat food?

At last I've got my revenge on Mike for that unpleasant little trip to the vets he took me on.

A business seminar he attended last week on 'team building' was briefly halted because of the 'over-powering smell of cats' in the cramped conference room.

The bloke doing the power-point presentation reckoned a puss must've sneaked in the room and relieved itself by the potted plants.

As a theory, it was riddled with holes.

They were on the 12th floor and the offending cat would've had to 'punch in' a security number to get through reception, then use the lift.

Even I can't do that.

If it was that intelligent, it would've spent a penny in the loo, surely? And washed and blow-dried its paws afterwards.

"Were you wearing your best trousers?" asked Julie when he shame-faced hubby related the moggie stench story.

I was.

"That'd be it, then," she reasoned. "Keogh's been sleeping on them for the last month.

"Emptying the building because you smelt of cat wee aside, do you think they saw you as management material?"

Another day, another crisis at Chateau Lockley.

This time delinquent kitten Kightly, who I'm forced to share a home with, got stuck up a tree. Not our tree, either.

They would've called the fire brigade, but it's too much of a cliche. Like having an affair with a milkman.

A crowd gathered to watch the Lockley clan try to tempt wild-eyed Kightly down.

"Look, the poor thing's terrified," cooed one pensioner as Mike gingerly tried to scale the low branches.

She wasn't on about the cat - she was on about the human.

"

Keogh the Cat : a dog's tale

By Keogh The Cat on Mar 5, 09 04:44 PM

Bad, bad news - the family next door have bought a dog for the kids.

It used to be a police dog with a difference - it worked for the plain clothes division and was allowed to wear a t-shirt and jeans.

The animal barks so much at night they're thinking of buying him a burglar.

Guess what they've called him?

Carpenter - because he's done so many small jobs around the house.

"It's the vet bills that are crippling us," moaned the neighbour. "The vet's discovered Carpenter's got an ingrowing tail and they will have to operate.

"Mind you, surgery will be cheaper in the long run. At present, we have to have the dog X-rayed to find out if he's happy."

Authors

Mike Lockley

Mike Lockley - Freelance humour writer and columnist

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