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February 2009 Archives

What about all the bad press surrounding Bengals, pedigree cats with a bad ass attitude?

They're so bad-tempered one expert has dubbed them asbo cats, which is bang out-of-order. There's only one asbo cat - and that's me.

Apparently, they pick on other moggies, bite and scratch people and cost over £200. I pick on other moggies, bite and scratch people and they found it very hard to give me away.

So where's the sense?

The good news is that if you're a cat it's Valentine's Day every night of the week.

Every tom, tom and tom spent last night caterwauling outside our house. After howling near the patio windows for close to an hour, one persuaded me to come out for a meal: his owners keep koi carp.

That's nice - a lady likes to be whined and dined.

A bucket of water was poured over one poor suitor who tried to serenade me: I hate being embarrassed by the humans infront of Tom friends. They'll be showing old pictures of me as a kitten next.

Anyway, I thought love was supposed to be a universal language, so how come no one's drenched Robbie Williams?

I can still remember my first date. Everything was going swimmingly until the thing that every girl dreads happened. I coughed-up a fur ball.

He was the perfect gentleman, however, and pretended not to notice, which was difficult:

I coughed it up on the bonnet of his owner's Ford Fiesta.During our time together, we shared everything. That was one crowded litter tray, I can tell you.

The relationship ended when he fell for someone else. Actually, he fell under something else. The school bus.

The posh Persian over the road has fallen for an older cat, but the age difference is already taking its toll. She complains that all he wants to do is sleep all day, which is what every cat does, surely? Admittedly, not all of us dribble as much as he does and we've got a lot more teeth. Mind you, he's the best on the block at sucking mice.

He looks a bit flea-bitten, but the Persian assures me he's all mange.
He's also got one eye and had a sizeable chunk of his left ear bitten off in a fight. It wasn't his looks that attracted the pampered Persian anyway, apparently. It was his unusual name - Lucky.

I give in - what the hell's all this white stuff, if you get my drift?

cat in snow.jpg

It's no weather for a moggie. I even prefer it when it's raining dogs and dogs.

When you're as fat as I am, you end up dragging loads of the stuff on your belly. When you go indoors, it turns into a puddle, which is a very handy excuse for cats who aren't as well house-trained as yours truly.

The dogs round here seem to like it, though. They must be barking.

If man's best friend is so intelligent, why aren't there any maiowing mad people about, I say?

Amazing how many things are named after dogs and their habits.

If you've got a sore throat you're husky, you step in a poodle, humans have hound-dog expressions and hangover cures are hairs of the dog.

You wouldn't believe how many times shitzus appear in the English language, either: such phrases as the shitzus hit the fan.

The kids round here love the white stuff, but they don't go to the toilet in it - except for one really strange lad over the road. They even throw it at each other.

Strangely, Mike's has white stuff on his collar all year round. His mate Dan has been throwing it at him. Dan druff.

The last time my paws were this cold I was trying to fish a cod fillet from an open tray of the deep freeze. I got it in the end - the first prey I've had to catch then suck to death.

And they say us cats are cruel! You should have seen what the Lockleys did to that chicken. Stripped her bare, tied her up, then threw her in the freezer.

At least when I kill something it's quick.

The white stuff's come from Russia, the humans say, but is already going dirty: a real case of from Russia with Sludge.

If it gets any worse, the gritters will be coming out, I overhead.

I don't know how to break that bit of bad news to Kightly the Kitten. She finds the litter tray uncomfortable enough as it is.

Just a thought:

If cats sleep 18 hours a day, why do people get dog-tired?

Authors

Mike Lockley

Mike Lockley - Freelance humour writer and columnist

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