Keogh The Cat : I'm having kittens about Kightly

Kightly the kitten is far too trusting of humans.

He should take a leaf out of my book: never trust an animal that can't lick its own backside.

When it comes to humans, ALWAYS make straight for the ones that don't like you.

Repeatedly rub yourself against their legs and, if they're wearing white, jump on their laps.

Keep them on their toes by miaowing and scratching repeatedly at a closed door, then walk away when they get up to open it.

If they're working on a computer, make for the keyboard.

To really get them going, fake a furball coughing fit in the middle of the room, preferably when guests are present.

I've told Kightly these golden rules - many of which are the reasons ancient Egyptians worshipped us - but she's taken none on board.

Instead, she simply simpers to be picked up and spends the night asleep on the humans' bed.

I couldn't curl up next to a human - I'm allergic to them.

Last time I slept on Mike and Julie's bed, I started to itch.

So did they. Turned out I'd got a few little visitors sleeping on me.

My owners bought me a flea-collar. For near-microscopic insects, they've got surprisingly large necks.

Kightly will certainly never get fleas because she never ventures outside.

I told her straight: "If you continue to spend all day on your backside you'll get haemorrhoids."

She reckons if I continue to spend all day sitting on the icy patio, I'll get Polaroids.

The only exercise she got yesterday was chasing a ballpoint pen across the living room floor. Kightly reckons she's honing her hunting skills, but who wants to stalk a Biro?

Her owners, however, think such immature behaviour is clever.

That's nothing - I've taught the pampered puss a spot of metalwork.

Every time I go to bite her, she makes a bolt for the door.