Keogh The Cat : my Christmas wishes

By Keogh The Cat on Dec 12, 08 10:30 AM

For a cat, Christmas really is a load of baubles.

Flashing decorations, things that go bang when you pull them and really wrinkly things under twigs (they're elderly relatives waiting for a kiss, apparently).

Last year it was so bad I went cold turkey for five days - it was the only meat they put in my dish.

This is my second Christmas with humans and I'm still not sure what it's all about.

The very religious bloke on the TV who's very old, and thousands flock to see him from all over the world - Cliff Richard, that's it - said it was a time of worship and love to all mankind.

I'm not sure what they worship, but the Lockleys stuck a plastic fairy on top of a tree. If they want to please her maybe they should remove that spiky twig she's sitting on.

I feel sorry for the chap with a beard and loud outfit who's got the sack.

OK, he shouldn't have made that prank phone call on his radio show, but it's a bad time to lose your job.

The ancient Egyptians had the right idea.

They worshipped us cats, but that was 200BC (Before Cliff). They didn't cover their buildings with flashing neon lights, which is a good job, really.

Can you imagine how many slaves and years it would take to decorate a pyramid.

Talking about pyramids, I'm keeping the tradition going: I've just put one in the corner of the living room (sorry - I couldn't find the litter tray).

As for 'love to all mankind', Mike was so full of it he told a bunch of carol singers to 'p*** off and pester Simon Cowell, instead'.

Mind you, it was a particularly poor rendition of 'We Wish You A Wombling Merry Christmas'.

The fact that they were Eastern European and there was 47 of them didn't help, really.

"Sing something traditional!" bellowed Mike.

They did - that one from Slade.

I'll give the humans their due - they buy me a Christmas present each year, and each year it's the same useless gift.

I rub round their legs all excited, then they open it and it's....another toy mouse made out of wool.

That's why I put so many mutilated real ones on the patio: it's my way of saying: 'I don't really need a mouse substitute'.

"Can you believe it," shrieks Julie, "Keogh's ignored the toy mouse and is playing with the wrapping paper'.

If they handed over a pint of catnip or a decent music CD, such as 'Miaow That's What I Call Music Volume 43', I might show a bit more interest.

They've got to realise times have changed. One hundred years ago, kids were probably very grateful for a satsuma and a yo yo.

We cats, however, have to put up with the very same gifts our Victorian ancestors played with.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want...

A 'kill the rodent' Nintendo Wii game.