September 2008 Archives

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Dear MGM,

I feel compelled to register, in the strongest possible terms, my displeasure over the portrayal of my own species in your 'Tom and Jerry' cartoon series.

I am, frankly, appalled that in this so-called enlightened age you continue to peddle material that is clearly catist.

I have friends who are now too scared to venture outdoors in case they step on a rake.

As for the main character, Tom, I am sickened a fellow cat can demean himself - and his colleagues - with such antics. In our neighbourhood, he is looked on as an Uncle Tom (cat).

I am fully aware that mice sometimes get away, but I have now watched 37 cartoons and not once has Tom been successful. No rodent is that lucky.

What's more, he has been maimed by a mouse trap nine times, disfigured by an anvil on three occasions and even endured the ignomy of being crushed by a grand piano.

I have spoken to a number of cats and none have suffered such accidents - not even Charlie, who choked on a hedgehog.

You may find graphic images of cats being injured humorous, I, and many friends I've spoken to, do not.

I'm sure officials of the RSPCA would be interested in your vile, X-rated product.

May I suggest, you allow the mouse to be killed a couple of times, thus adding a much-needed slice of reality to the work. If Jerry is not up to the task, I'm quite prepared to volunteer my services free of charge - and I don't need a mallet.

I've now decided to boycott your tired television offering in favour of a much more educational documentary - Top Cat, which continues to portray us as positive role models.

There's not a single mouse in TC's alley.

Ever wondered why?

Keogh

What kind of cat will keep your grass short?

A Lawn Meower.

What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner?

A chain litter.

What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?

A duck-filled fatty puss.

A woman is playing bridge with her friends one night and is enjoying herself so much she forgets all about the time.

Suddenly she shouts: "Is that the time? I've got to rush home and cook my husband's dinner. If it's not on the table when he walks in he will be furious."

When she gets home she realises the only things in the cupboard are a limp lettuce, some eggs and a tin of cat food.

In a panic, she mixes an egg with the cat food, pours the strange stew on a plate and garnishes it with lettuce leaves.

She watches as her husband devours the meal. He cleans his plate, issues a satisfied burp and declares: "That is the best meal you have ever made me."

The cat food, therefore, was served on every bridge night, much to the horror of the wife's bridge partners. "You are going to kill him," one warned.

Two months later, it happened. Her husband died.

Fellow bridge-players gave the woman knowing glances.

"You killed him!" they chorused. "We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in. How can you just sit there and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife replied calmly: "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantelpiece while licking himself."

Can you believe they've gone off and left me again.

If there was a social services for cats - and there should be - I'd be straight on the blower. I'd get in touch with the RSPB, but a cat friend told me that was just for birds.

It's worth a try, though. They might send some free samples.

Admittedly, the Lockleys get someone to open the front door and feed me, but she's got a cat allergy.

Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?

There was some money in the kitty.

Why was the cat so small?

Because it only ate condensed milk.

How do you know that cats are not sensitive creatures?

They never cry over spilled milk.