Cough up, Catwoman! (and Postman Pat, Tom & Jerry, too)

A Keogh's eye view of what's hot and what's not on the big and small screen.

Tom and Jerry

What a bloody disgrace to the cat world!

He let the mouse humiliate him - once with an anvil.

If you like happy endings avoid this offering, because there ain't one.

The mouse lives.

Catwoman

Nice bit of eye candy.

No, not the woman in the shiny suit - the tabby in the skip with her.

Note to producers: if you want us to truly believe Halle Berry's turned into a cat get her to cough up a few furballs.

Top Cat

Sexist plots endorse the belief that a female cat's place is at home having kittens, while Toms have fun in alleyways and humiliating policemen.

TC ain't PC. You'd never get away with it today.

Imagine the 'lost' episode:

Officer Dibble, after a meeting with concerned members of the local cats protection league, captures TC and his gang, and has them neutered.

It sparks a radical re-working of the signature tune: 'Top Cat! The most ineffectual Top Cat! Whose intellectual close friends get to call him... Tomasina.'

Postman Pat

'Postman Pat. Postman Pat. What a prat - totally upstaged by a black and white cat.

'Early in the morning, he is really boring, if only they'd let his cat drive the van.

'Postman Pat. Postman Pat. What a prat - totally upstaged by a black and white cat.

'Just to stop me yawning, when the day is dawning, get him to deliver his own P45 as fast as you can.'

Errr, the second verse was going to be about the cat leaving a little present on the driver's seat.

But it didn't scan.

Lassie

Ugly canine propaganda. She don't mess on pavements. She don't chase cats.

She don't even mate.

Too many of that dog's owners have suffered bizarre accidents - falling down mineshafts, getting stuck in wells etc - while out walkies for my liking.

Coincidence? I think not.

Millions know her as the perfect pet, but I've heard she's a bitch off-camera.

Felix cat food commercials

That white cat's a lucky, lucky swine. A TV deal and as much food as she can eat.

I can do that - gizza job!

You can't eat that much and look that fit without a little, err, medical help.

bet they've chucked away her worming tablets.

Come, on cool cats, give me your music, film and TV reviews.