August 2008 Archives
I'm often asked the big question.
What are cats?
Cats are moody, and don't listen.
They're unpredictable and leave hairs everywhere.
Cats, you see, are tiny women in fur coats.
If you don't get your own way, lay across the keyboard until you do.
Curiosity never killed anything.
Climb your way to the top - why do you think they invented carpets?
Make your mark in this world - spray in each corner of the room.
Never forget to tell them you care - leave a dead rodent on the bed.
Don't miss another, more controversial, fact of feline life tomorrow!
1. Purrrfect Day - Lou Reed
2. What A Feline - Irene Cara
3. Claws To You - Carpenters
4. Cat's The Way I Like It - KC and the Sunshine Band
5. It's A Hiss-tory - Toyah
6. Careless Whiskas - George Michael
7. Anything by Moggy Waters
8. Miaow That's What I Call Music - Various Artists
9. There's A Cat In Mi Kitchen - UB40
10. This Old Mouse - Shakin' Stevens
Here's my favourite joke of the moment.
A sign goes up in an office window, stating: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A dog trots to the window, reads the sign and goes inside. He wags his tail at the receptionist, then walks over to the sign and barks.
The penny drops with the receptionist who calls her boss.
He's surprised but decides to give the mutt an interview.
At the end, the manager tells the hound: "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog runs to a typewriter and begins belting out a letter.
The stunned manager says: "But the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumps down goes to the computer and proceeds to enter and execute a perfect program.
By this time the manager is gob-smacked.
He looks at the dog and explains: "I realise you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumps down and goes to the sign, running his paw on the sentences about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager insists: "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looks at the manager calmly and says: "Miaow!"
And here's thought for the week:
A lot of my cat companions ask what's the big difference between us a dog.
It's quite simple...
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Me and the teenage lad, who is looking great for 17 (that's close to 80 in cat years) have an awful lot in common - if only he realised it.
I think the lad should spend a night down the dustbins with us. He'd enjoy it.
Just like me, Joe takes no notice when they call him.
I've got nine lives - he acts as if he has.
We're both creatures of the night and can sleep for England.
You only see us at mealtimes.
And neither of us improve the furniture.
If only he learned to wash behind his ears, we'd be like peas in a pod.
Julie and Mike say they don't know what to do with the lad for the best.
Here's a bit of a tip: call a vet.
Cat press release of the week. It's true ... honest.
Train your cat to use a human toilet and bin the litter tray
Get ready to pounce on a new training system from Australia that is set to revolutionise the way we live with cats. Say goodbye to smelly, messy litter trays as Tiddles could be using your toilet in just eight weeks.
It may sound potty but Litter Kwitter is the purrfect alternative to returning home after a long day to the stench of a soiled and soaking litter tray.
Litter Kwitter's simple three-stage approach to training actually builds on a cat's natural desire to hide the smell of their waste from predators so they will be happy to use the toilet.
It is innovative yet easy to use with colour-coded discs that fit on to a special seat on your toilet.
Start with the red disc, then progress to the amber disc which has a hole in the middle to get your cat going into the toilet pan.
Finally the green stage weans your cat off the litter and your cat will happily perch on the toilet seat itself, leaving nothing behind but what has been submerged and maybe the copy of Cat Weekly they were reading.
The Litter Kwitter has a recommended price of ã39.95 and is available in all Pets at Home stores nationwide. See how it works and watch cats in action at www.litterkwitter.com."
And how the hell am I supposed to use the loo roll?
Have you seen any more wacky cat ads?
Send them here to the Midland's own Top Cat.
A Keogh's eye view of what's hot and what's not on the big and small screen.
Tom and Jerry
What a bloody disgrace to the cat world!
He let the mouse humiliate him - once with an anvil.
If you like happy endings avoid this offering, because there ain't one.
The mouse lives.
Catwoman
Nice bit of eye candy.
No, not the woman in the shiny suit - the tabby in the skip with her.
Note to producers: if you want us to truly believe Halle Berry's turned into a cat get her to cough up a few furballs.
Top Cat
Sexist plots endorse the belief that a female cat's place is at home having kittens, while Toms have fun in alleyways and humiliating policemen.
TC ain't PC. You'd never get away with it today.
Imagine the 'lost' episode:
Officer Dibble, after a meeting with concerned members of the local cats protection league, captures TC and his gang, and has them neutered.
It sparks a radical re-working of the signature tune: 'Top Cat! The most ineffectual Top Cat! Whose intellectual close friends get to call him... Tomasina.'
Postman Pat
'Postman Pat. Postman Pat. What a prat - totally upstaged by a black and white cat.
'Early in the morning, he is really boring, if only they'd let his cat drive the van.
'Postman Pat. Postman Pat. What a prat - totally upstaged by a black and white cat.
'Just to stop me yawning, when the day is dawning, get him to deliver his own P45 as fast as you can.'
Errr, the second verse was going to be about the cat leaving a little present on the driver's seat.
But it didn't scan.
Lassie
Ugly canine propaganda. She don't mess on pavements. She don't chase cats.
She don't even mate.
Too many of that dog's owners have suffered bizarre accidents - falling down mineshafts, getting stuck in wells etc - while out walkies for my liking.
Coincidence? I think not.
Millions know her as the perfect pet, but I've heard she's a bitch off-camera.
Felix cat food commercials
That white cat's a lucky, lucky swine. A TV deal and as much food as she can eat.
I can do that - gizza job!
You can't eat that much and look that fit without a little, err, medical help.
bet they've chucked away her worming tablets.
Come, on cool cats, give me your music, film and TV reviews.
Today's cat-alogue clip - the purr-fect way to end the week
Today's treat from my cat-alogue.
What do you mean I've got an attitude?
Catch tomorrow's video for a purr-fect ending to my cat-alogue clips.
A new cat caper from my cat-alogue!
That's one cheeky kitty ...
Watch out tomorrow for a furry friend with attitude
Authors
Mike Lockley - Freelance humour writer and columnist
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