Keogh the cat : I'm going to get even with the woman who had me spayed

What the hell is going on?

Each night this week I've brought in a little present for Julie - if I keep her sweet, she might get me another catnip 'fix'.

Every night she screams. I don't think it's out of excitement, either.

That's so unfair. My mates Ronnie and Reggie - the farm cats up the road - get treated like heroes when they kill things.

Last night, to see if I'd get a different reaction, I brought a live rodent into the lounge. I thought Julie might like trying to slaughter the thing.

If you haven't tried it, how do you know you don't like it?

It's called bonding.

The demented woman spent a good ten minutes trying to wrestle the mouse off me - then flung it outside.

The claws were out.

Mind you, Julie deserves all she gets: I've drawn-up a short-list of those I reckon got me spayed - and she's top.

That ruined my chances of meeting a male on this message board.

What self-respecting Tom is going to answer a lonely hearts ad that starts 'young, free, single and spayed'? They're not going to believe you've got a gsoh after that ordeal.

I've got to be careful, though - the Lockleys can be pretty cruel.

The chicken they locked in the fridge has frozen to death.

Four piggin' times I had to bring that mouse back into the house! Four times she flung it out. On the last occasion an owl picked it up.

Bet the little creature appreciated that act of kindness. It could have met its maker on terra firma. Instead - thanks to Julie - it was hoisted a good 50 feet in the air first.

On Wednesday, a distraught pensioner knocked on our door sobbing. She said her budgie, Joey, had gone missing. It's blue and it talks, apparently.

Funny that - Joey didn't say anything when I had hold of him. I was going through my 'blue' period.

The blubbing OAP said she's put up posters around the village offering cash for the bird's return.

Damn - that's another cash opportunity lost - unless she accepts feathers.

If only mother had taught me to take prisoners...

Calling all cool cats out there! Get in touch.

I'm throwing a fish supper...just as soon as our neighbour takes that netting off his koi carp pond.