Theo grass is always greener on the other side

I'M a Sky TV subscriber and BBC licence-fee payer, but I'm not going to get into a debate over whether or not Setanta should have had exclusive rights to England's Cracker in Croatia.

Because, as far as I'm concerned, the competition between the broadcasters is akin to Tesco v Asda or Sainsbury's v Morrisons, so why should I insist cabbages be freely available at my local Blackheath market store?

But the absence of Setanta - or Se-tonto, as one ex-player/manager of this patch and current pundit once allegedly accidentally called it during an unsuccessful try-out for the station - does make patriotism difficult in my household.

I think it was former England onion-bag rippler Gary Lineker - or Crispy Big-Ears as I call him - who once suggested he would rather watch Ceefax than Wimbledon's Crazy Gang of old.

That's all well and good, but has he really viewed an important match via the medium that is Teletext, or more specifically, the BBCs online update service?

I'm not unduly knocking this facility. Indeed if I'd have concentrated long enough without the odd detour to check my Facebook page, then I'd have thoroughly enjoyed it, I'm sure.

But, watching an England classic via the odd text update, is like Paris Hilton talking dirty to you using Stephen Hawking's voice-box or supping your favourite tipple through Bella Emberg's jogging bottoms. In other words, it distorts the pleasure to be had.

The grim realisation that I was slightly out of touch came during a random 9pm-ish phone chat with a Setanta-subscribing pal. My probing question of: "It's still 1-0 Englund, ay it pal?" elicited the reply "Wot you on about?" from my confused friend.

While he was party to Joe Cole being maimed and Theo closing in on those "Three-O" headlines, I was still waiting for Walcott's Facebook status to be updated to "Theo has just scored a hat-trick. Have that Becks!"