How my 'inner calm' turned to chaos

Seeing as I spend so much of my life in a state of chaos I recently purchased a meditation CD. I'd hoped it would help me to find some 'inner calm' - but unfortunately it just seemed to make everything so much worse!
Here's how I got on...

7.30am: I lie in bed playing the meditation CD on my laptop. A husky American voice fills my head, "Good morning," she soothes. "Make sure your bodeeee is really comfortable. Juuuuuust breathe and let it gooo...

7.40am: "Bless the furniture in your home," she continues. "We all have a favourite piece of furniture have you ever thanked it? Do that now."
Obediently I say thanks to my memory foam mattress. I feel like a tit.

7.45am: "Remember our appliances our extensions of ourselves..." the husky voice continues. "Thank your refrigerator for being there. What do you have in kitchen you can bless with love?" Um, my corkscrew? This is getting silly.

7.47am: "Bless your mailbox and the postal service. It's a miracle that we take for granted." I try really hard not to think about the sodding postal strike.

7.50am: Husky says we take the air we breathe for granted. Stupidly I'm now thinking about what will happen if the air runs out. I feel panicked.

7.55am: I battle on: "Today is a new day and delightful surprises and wonderful adventures are before us. All of your thoughts create your future..." Yes! This is good. I am the new Noel Edmonds.

8am: The CD is finished. I can see that this is a harmonious, loving, prosperous and creative day filled with joy.

9.55am: I am in a good place as I leave the house. I nod as I remember what Ms Meditation told me: "Anyone who irritates you, bless them with love and the love returned to you will be multiplied..."

10am: There is a huge queue at the train station. If I wait to buy a ticket I'll miss the train and I have an interview. I refuse to feel irritated.

10.05am: I am on the train, sans ticket, thinking 'happy thoughts'.

10.15am: My stop. Walking up the steps from the platform my blood curdles. There are no less than six ticket inspectors waiting. It's OK, I can sort this. I take a deep breath and 'bless them with love.'

10.17am: Neither the 'blessing' or 'love' have worked. I am being eyeballed by a huge man with the face of a pitbull. I meekly hand over £20.

10.20am: I am late and the tears are prickling. I don't feel calm.

12.30am: The interview is over and I head back to the train station. "Wherever you are going today send love ahead..." I smile to myself as I visualize a smooth journey.

12.45pm: My train is cancelled!!!!

11.30pm: I climb into bed to listen to the 'evening affirmations'. The laptop is making a whirling noise and the light from the screen illuminates the room. My beau protests.

11.35pm: I carry on regardless. The beau doesn't sigh loudly at all.

11.40pm: "This is a relaaaaaxing time," husky tells me. "I suggest you do not listen to the news just before sleep, you don't want to take those DISASTERS to sleep with you..." DISASTERS? My brain instantly recalls every horrible story I've heard that day. Thanks husky.

11.45pm: "Any anger or pain, resentment or rage, juuuust let it goooo. Think about the people who irritate you the most - they have come into your 'life' to teach you about yourself."

11.47pm: I am thinking about Rikki from X Factor and how his eyebrows irritate me. I'm not sure what this is supposed to teach me.

11.55am: Husky has bid me good night and told me she loves me. Weird. My mind is racing with thoughts about world disasters, suffocation through air deprivation, hateful train staff and Rikki Loney's eyebrows. I lay awake until 2am.

So back to my usual ranting self tomorrow then...